I rode the anxiety train as far as I could and now it is time to just get up and redirect my mind into something productive. I feel a little like I imagine a bird feels after flying into a window. Dazed, in pain, and just wanting to shake it off and try again. But there are no do-overs in life. I can't rewind and try again; I can only move forward and do better next time a similar situation occurs.
I am my own harshest critic. I know this. I hold myself to standards I would never hold someone else to while at the same time using others' words to reinforce my own critique. It is a habit I try to break and one that seems to frequently re-emerge after a new social situation.
After going to bed happy and content I wake racked with anxiety and replay each moment finding faux pas in even the tiniest actions. This is why I started meditating several years ago. And it had helped for years but as I focus more on motherhood and less on self-care, I find a return of these unhelpful anxieties.
The one thing I try to be in my gratitude blog is open. I try to be honest and vulnerable so that no one reading this can put me on a pedestal and think that gratitude works for me because I am some special form of human. It works because I put it to practice, yes practice, every single day. Some days are harder than others but I truly believe there is always something to be grateful for. So as I sit here at nearly three in the morning, filled with chest pains and headache, I redirect my mind to be grateful.
I'm grateful my family is sleeping peacefully. I'm grateful for an amazing husband that willingly stepped into an awkward situation because he knew it meant a lot to me. I'm grateful for an amazing little girl that gives me so much pride and joy. I'm grateful for another day with my dogs and for their infinite patience and love even as they have had to take a backseat to the baby.
I'm grateful to know that tonight is another reminder to get back to self-care. I'm grateful to know so many breathing techniques even when they aren't immediately helpful. I'm grateful to feel my body relaxing as I focus on the normal task of typing. I'm grateful to have this outlet both for my anxiety and for my gratitude. I'm grateful to be open, honest, and real because these are aspects I value. And I'm grateful to have more practice in the art of forgiving myself for mistakes I have made, real and imagined.
When do you need redirected? What do you do to change your mindset?
May today bless us all with the acceptance of being human. May we find love and forgiveness for our mistakes and courage to accept that we are doing our best. Have a beautiful day!