Last night I stayed up later than usual so I could watch the tribute to John Lewis. He was a great man and I wonder why it is that we celebrate people so much more in death. I knew some of the great things he had done but I learned even more last night. He modeled what it means to be the change we wish to see. He didn't just speak it, he acted!

I have good ideas. I have a good heart. But I will admit that up until a few months ago I was incredibly naive to all the ways racism is ingrained in our country. I have been learning. I have a long way to go in the learning process and I will never fully understand. I hope to educate myself so I can raise my girls to be better, know more, and have those blinders removed. But is that it? Is that where it stops? Is educating the next generation enough?

Isn't that just saying that they will fix it? Are we really going to leave our messes for our children to clean up? And would we really be okay letting injustices go on in the meantime?! 

I realized last night from my place on the couch just how little I have DONE. I talk about being the change and I try to put positive messages out int he world and help those who come to me. But when I really break it down, the people I help are either paying me or friends and family. There are very few instances of deep help that I have given just to give and this awareness hurts my heart. 

I could say it begins with me but to be frank and honest that is complete b.s. It doesn't start with me because the crusade has been going for decades. The mere fact that it hasn't gotten further is heartbreaking and angering all at the same time. I will not let these feelings be pushed down and placated, I will put them to use. I will quit merely talking about being the change and start acting. 

John Lewis was a brother and friend to this country. He saw the ways it could be better and he acted. We owe it to him to keep the fight going. We must not let his efforts stop just because he is gone. Our children deserve to live in a country that is free. Everyone deserves to be free and until every person can be treated with equal respect, dignity, and rights, we are not free. 

Please stand with me. Don't let the sign in the yard be "enough". Don't let a couple shared Facebook posts be the end of your effort. Look in the eyes of every child, of every color, of every background, and of every orientation and see the divine child there. This has gone on long enough. It is time to stand. Who out there is willing to throw away your blinders, apologize for not seeing it sooner and stand for what is right?

I'm grateful to feel this passion surge through me. I'm grateful to have watched this special tribute. I'm grateful to witness the guilt I feel and know that I can start making changes today. I'm grateful for John Lewis and everyone who has been fighting this battle longer than they should have had to. I'm grateful for their persistence and their willpower. I'm grateful for the ways they made change happen. I'm grateful for a model to strive toward. 

Rest in peace, Mr. Lewis. Know that we will win this fight. There will be freedom.

What will you choose? Silence is a side. 

May we fight for the country we were promised, with freedom and liberty for all. May we let go of white privilege knowing we only win when we have true equality. Let your passions spark and find a way to make change. Have a beautiful, powerful day.

When I feel that familiar vibration of anxiety coursing through me I frequently breathe through it and push it aside. A lot of times my anxiety is fed by wanting to control or change something I cannot. So I focus on my body and breathe or meditate or jog until the vibration evens back out. 

Often times I even find myself feeling negative towards anxiety, as if it is a personality flaw. In reality it is just a guidepost like any other emotion. 

At the same time I brush off this emotion I also feel like my intuition is strong and trustworthy in most situations. If I feel uneasy in the presence of someone or in a new location I trust my gut. It is a deep knowing inside and does not usually have the same resonation as the anxiety I spoke of a moment ago.

Last night I lay awake for over three and a half hours. Something was not sitting right with me and I tried every technique I knew to brush it off, breathe through it, and just go to sleep. Nothing worked. In fact, every time I tried to rationalize to calm or even pray about it, I got more anxious. It wasn't until I explored the idea that maybe, just maybe there was more than anxiety going on that I began to relax. When I finally let it go and changed my plan, listening to the anxiety, I fell fast asleep.

I'm grateful for the persistence of intuition. I'm grateful to listen. I'm grateful to get a new perspective and open my eyes to the negative ideas I hold toward anxiety. I'm grateful for all the times my intuition has served me well and kept me safe. I'm grateful for all anxiety has taught me too. I'm grateful to move forward with a more open mind and commit to paying more attention to what my emotions are telling me. 

What are your emotions telling you? What does your intuition tell you? How can we all find a balance at this time of change?

May today allow us to have strong intuition and faith. May we listen to the anxiety while not allowing it to overrun us. Have a beautiful day!

Amid the escalating and constantly changing situation outside it was nice to finally get some clarity for myself. I will admit that I have let my anxiety control me for several days. I've felt wishy-washy on what to do and how to respond, hoping someone would make the hard decisions for me.

Last night I could not sleep between a baby that was wide awake most the night and my own anxiety running rampant through my thoughts. I tried to sleep in this morning but as soon as my sleep had a minor interruption it was no use. Even a guided meditation could not derail and reboot my thoughts. 

We decided to go ahead and celebrate my mom's birthday. Being around my family helped tremendously. There was a lot of talk about what is happening with Covid-19 but also some good laughs and distractions. It was nice to see them and allow things to feel a little bit "normal" again as we enjoyed family lunch.

After leaving I felt more clear in what directions and steps I would take. I started by making a mental list of all unnecessary risks that I could easily spare my family. I then composed a message to my clients setting clear boundaries and reminding them to think of the community in making their own decisions. It got a very positive response which gave me more reassurance that I was not the only one seeking some direction and initiative. 

I'm grateful to step up. I'm grateful to stop looking to everyone else to tell me what to do and do what makes sense for me and my family. I'm grateful to mentally preparing the next steps in my head. I'm grateful to be finding my voice and my path amidst the uncertainty. I'm grateful for laughs shared with family as well as good sounding board chats. I'm grateful to get other perspectives to take into account. I'm grateful to follow what feels good to my heart and know that it will help my mental state as well as my sleep.

What is right for you? What precautions would help you feel confident and secure? How can you take the steps you need to find your inner peace and calm amidst this "storm"? 

May today remind us to think not only of our loved ones but those in our community. May we make the decisions we feel are right for the greater good and for our own peace of mind. Have a beautiful day!

Today was a rough, dark day for me. I hit a low and felt those familiar fingers of depression pulling at my thoughts.

The current stage my oldest daughter is going through is really taking a toll on me. It's just a stage. Everything is just a stage at this point. And yet days and weeks of being yelled at, hit, and called names have worn me. The constant boundary pushing has drained me. Her assertion that I am a terrible mom drove the nail home today.

My response was that I was sorry she felt that way because I loved her very much. After leaving her room and retreating to the safety of the basement I allowed a private tirade followed by complete sobbing mess. 

My family always called me Tender Heart growing up. I may have aged but my skin is only slightly thicker. 

I know my daughter loves me. I know this will pass and I hope I weather it with enough grace that we have an even stronger relationship coming out the other side. But in the meantime I need to seek the light to keep me out of that darkness. For me, the best way to do that is to focus on gratitude, seek laughter, and collect as many hugs as possible.

I'm grateful for my husband that takes a "shift" with the girls while I go to work. I'm grateful to have a job that takes me away for just a short while. I'm grateful for kind clients. I'm grateful to have a job that lends itself to self-reflection. I'm grateful for my mom. I'm grateful for my amazing network of friends and family that have my back when I need to vent and can reassure me it is truly just a phase. I'm grateful for baby snuggles. I'm grateful for some time to just sit in silence.

Depression and stress do not look one way. Anyone could be struggling and you may never even notice. What are your signs? How do you find light when stress is building? What is your self-care routine?

May we all know who to reach out to when we need a hand getting back to the light. May we monitor our thoughts and fight the darkness. And may we all know we are loved no matter what. Have a beautiful day!

​(But if you are not having a beautiful day, reach out to me or someone.)

For the last several years we have used the Christmas tree I bought nearly twenty years ago for my first apartment. It looked small in the room and the fake needles were beginning to shed but it worked well enough.

This year we decided it was time to pass the tree on to someone who could not afford a tree and buy ourselves a new one. My husband and I (with baby in tow) went last night to look at some of the options while our preschooler was spending the night at her grandparents'. Yet after looking and getting an idea of what we liked and our price range we decided to get our preschooler's input.

This evening we let the baby stay with her grandma for a bit and made a special trip with our preschooler to pick a tree. We showed her a couple at one store and then went back to the store we had gone to last night. I walked over by the two we were trying to decide between and barely had the question out of my mouth when her eyes lit up. For all the trees we had seen this was the first one that made her brighten. "That one!" she exclaimed. 

It was the one my husband and I were leaning toward anyway but her reaction sealed it. My husband got the ticket number and went to the back to pick up the tree while my daughter and I continued to watch the colors change on the tree. Her eyes twinkled.

Christmas has been a challenging time for me in the past. When I was a young adult my mom had told me that one day I would have children and find the joy in Christmas again. It has been true to some extent, though I have also done a lot of work to heal and find gratitude in the season for myself. 

Standing there holding my three-year-old and watching her eyes twinkle I felt my heart swell. These simple joys are something I can identify with even as an adult. I even felt a little excitement for the season.

I'm grateful to have let our daughter have the final say on the tree. I'm grateful to witness her joy. I'm grateful to have a new tree. I'm grateful for all the options and creativity this tree offers with its lights. I'm grateful to head into a new Christmas season with anticipation and joy. I'm grateful to still give Thanksgiving its due. I'm grateful for my beautiful family. 

What brings you joy? What renews your love of the Christmas season? Who reminds you of the little twinkle of childhood?

May this season bring love and joy. May those needing extra love and comfort this season find plenty. May those who find joy in this season share it. Have a beautiful day!

Today was one of those days where things just didn't go quite as planned. Ends didn't meet where they were supposed to, transitions didn't flow, and things seemed to be missing or not working at every other turn.

What do you do when your day is going this way? What special resource do you "turn on" to help you get through days like this?

For me, humor is what I need. I need to laugh to release some of the tension because most likely if I don't choose laughter there will be tears instead. My emotions tend to run high and a physical relief like laughter is a great way to keep things positive. 

Now, did I do this at every misstep today? Nope. There was some frustration, a few moments of near tears and lost patience but overall I did well at reminding myself to take deep breaths and even laugh a little. 

I'm grateful for some humor to save the energy of the day. I'm grateful for getting the bumps out early in the week so the rest the week can run more smoothly. I'm grateful to have found my wallet. I'm grateful to learn you can still check out the seventeen books your child picked out at the library even when your wallet is missing. I'm grateful the dishwasher started. I'm grateful for all the things that run and work without a second thought from me. I'm grateful for my husband's patience as we work through some bottle rebellion from our little one. I'm grateful for friends and family that I can count on to be there whether I need to vent, ask advice, or share some humor. I'm grateful to be so loved and so blessed. I'm grateful to crawl into bed at the end of the night and know all is ok.

So what do you do to diffuse a rough day? What coping strategies do you use and who do you reach out to for support?

May today supply humor without the frustration. May we find healthy, fun coping habits to guide us on the bumpier days. Have a beautiful day!

After a scorching hot end of Summer it was nice to have some slightly cooler temperatures today. I'm not a fan of being cold but it is possible that I own about a dozen jackets that I love to wear. This morning provided the perfect opportunity to wear one. 

I love when I can wear a jacket in the morning, be comfortably warm in the afternoon, then have a drive with the windows down ride home from work. Today met all this criteria. Autumn is finally creeping out of hiding! 

The cooler temperatures have me looking forward to pumpkin spice candles, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin spice cereal. It isn't just my nose and taste buds looking forward to Autumn; my eyes are ready for the beautiful colored leaves that grace us this time of year. 

Driving home tonight I was thinking about Halloween and my birthday that are both approaching. I looked up at the beautiful sunset and clouds and couldn't help but see a mask. It was like two orangish-yellow eyes glowing at me and reminding me pumpkin carving season is just around the corner too.

In case you couldn't tell, this is my favorite season! It has all my favorite things and in return I have an abundance of gratitude! 

I'm grateful for pumpkin spice everything. I'm grateful for pumpkin chocolate chip cookies which are amazing! I'm grateful for all the beautiful colors the leaves turn here in the heartland. I'm grateful for anticipation. I'm grateful for the first hints of Autumn weather. I'm grateful for birthdays that mean I was blessed with one more year. I'm grateful for my jackets and sweatshirts. I'm grateful for Halloween and fun, playful costumes. I'm grateful for the delicious Autumn soups and other cooler weather foods that will be gracing my table. I'm grateful my husband is an amazing chef!

What is your favorite thing about Autumn? What do you look forward to this time of year? What is your favorite time of year?

May today renew our hope and remind us that change can be beautiful. May we take time to enjoy the beauty of this season as it rolls in. Have a beautiful day!

September 11th holds a special kind of scar. Most of us can remember exactly where we were that day and the flood of emotions that unfolded with the news. 

I was a couple weeks into my first year of college. It was my first time really away from my parents aside from little week long vacations. I woke up and walked to my first class oblivious to what was happening. My college professor greeted us with hysterics and told us to all go home and hunker down, enjoy some bread and treats because the country was going to war and those items wouldn't be available. She told us life as we knew it was going to change and we would have to grow up fast. My roommate and I spent the rest of the day in our dorm room watching the tv and making calls to our parents. 

I did not have a direct loss, no family or friends in the towers. I did not know anyone on the planes. Yet it is the type of tragedy that marks everyone. 

Two years later on that day I watched my boyfriend get his pin for Army Airborne after enlisting in response to the towers falling. Pride mixed with fear knowing he faced deployment.

And seven years after that, September 10th,  I walked out of a courtroom dazed and lost as a judge finalized our divorce. It seemed like the date itself had some kind of curse.

Six years later I couldn't help but be a little nervous when I was told my rainbow baby's due date was September 10th. Was this going to be the breaking of the cycle or would I lose this most precious gift to the date that only seemed capable of heartache? 

My rainbow baby arrived that year, two weeks early. It was the most beautiful blessing I could have asked for. Now I hold my second sweet daughter as I reflect on all this date has meant. In my personal story the losses of this date were what ultimately gave me the beautiful gift of the children I hold today. For me it is a story with a bright side. But not everyone has this same blessing. For some this date marks the loss of their child, spouse, sibling, parent, friend. I pray that each of the people left behind has found some joy, some peace, and some way to move forward. 

I'm grateful to have a bright side in my own story. I'm grateful for my roommate that day. I'm grateful for the ability to call home. I'm grateful for the miracle of those who survived. I'm grateful to get to see as the media tracks the 9/11 babies, now the age I was when this tragic event took place. I'm grateful to see how young eighteen really was and to have a few more years of wisdom today. I'm grateful for my first husband's bravery in answering the call to duty. I'm grateful for all I learned during those years together and I'm grateful for all I have learned about myself and relationships since then. 

Where were you that day? What narrative have you created around that day in your personal story? How do we grow love and respect into our children and the world so we never have to bear witness to a tragedy like this again?

May today's reflection move us forward toward love. May the memories help us grow. May we work together to make this world a more loving place for our children. Have a beautiful day!

Hope carries such strength it can get the mind over immeasurable hurdles. It is the soft but persistent pull out of bed each morning no matter how early the day calls. It is the whisper that encourages you to dare to dream bigger. It is the silent prayer, answered.

Hope has a unique strength. It makes the impossible, possible. It energizes and uplifts. And it saves in so many ways. Hope is the universe's promise to each of us.

Do you have hope? What instills hope for you? What does that hope give you the courage to do? 

I'm grateful for renewed hope today. I'm grateful to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I'm grateful to trust my heart and seek alternative solutions for my daughter's struggle. I'm grateful to have answers to some questions and some worries relieved. I'm grateful for intuition and listening to my gut. I'm grateful to be on this road together with my family. I'm grateful for my daughter's loving smile.

May we trust our instincts, follow our heart and be rewarded with hope. May that hope come to fruition in the best possible ways. Have a beautiful day!

August 8th is National Happiness Happens Day. Sometimes it doesn't seem like this is true, yet other times it is easy to see how happiness just rains down unexpectedly. The thing is happiness is all about perspective and what we are open to receive.

If we are in the midst of grieving it will be hard to open ourselves to see happiness around us. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong or bad about grieving. It is a natural state. Yesterday I read a quote that said "grieving is our receipt to show how much we loved." In fact, we need to grieve in order to free our hearts from that ache so we can find some happiness again.

Stress can be like dark sunglasses making it hard to see the bright rays of happiness around us. I know in my house we have had a rough few days as we try different things to help our newest addition from the upsets of reflux while navigating lack of sleep. But there are still simple joys that shine through if I am willing to stop and see them. The sound of my daughter's laughter is sweet to my ears and brings my heart happiness and joy. My husband's offer to help with something simple and without being asked brings happiness. The abundance of clothing I have that allows me to put on a dry shirt time and again after being puked on brings me happiness, as I really cannot stand sitting in wet clothing. Every small win, shared smile, and cuddly moment is something that can bring happiness if I am open to receive it. 

Happiness happens. The universe wants to give us positive experiences even in the midst of growth challenges. It is up to us if we will laugh or cry, open our eyes to happiness or stay in the grey cloud of one perspective. Neither option is wrong, there is a time for everything. But when we are ready, happiness is there just waiting to happen, waiting to be noticed.

I'm grateful to try my best to pause and see the beautiful times within another stressful day. I'm grateful to be able to just call my mom and have a few minutes chat over the noise of screaming children to keep my sanity by having another adult to speak. I'm grateful to laugh when I can and sing when I want to scream to try to maintain my own balance. I'm grateful to see how lack of sleep affects my relationships and my responses so I can make conscious efforts to balance it. I'm grateful to get some time with my older daughter, jsut the two of us today. I'm grateful to have gotten a little nap during the miracle blessing of getting both girls to nap at the same time today! And I'm grateful to head into tomorrow determined to keep my eyes open to happiness.

What keeps you from seeing the happiness around you? What are some of the beautiful things that happened today to inspire happiness. What would help you to see more and receive more of these happy moments tomorrow?

​May we take time to look for the good in each moment. When the world is going to crazy and stress or grief is mounting, may we have the strength to sit within in and still find some happines filtering through. Have a beautiful day!