Yesterday I took some more time to recharge. There are times for rest and times for growth. I kept picturing the lotus flower slowly unfolding. I wrote yesterday's blog when I still felt "in the thick of it". Yet returning my focus to gratitude and my blog helped me recognize just how stuck and heavy my energy felt.

I'm all for recharging and retreating when needed but suddenly I felt like I was stuck in "the moment". Wait. Don't we always hear, "live in the moment"? I'm pretty sure they mean live in the present moment but even that can be tricky when we have to uphold some responsibilities and planning such as getting bills paid. 

The moment I was stuck in was a version of the present moment. It was the present moment in the middle of a tug-o-war between past choices and the uncertain future. What helps conquer the fears of uncertainty? Certainty, for one, and the one thing that is absolutely certain is I cannot change the past.

Then what can we do about uncertain futures? Some people may answer that all futures are uncertain, but that doesn't really help me feel better. How about you? What helps me feel better is being active. It doesn't matter if the next page isn't written in stone as long as I am still holding a pen. And that is where I was stuck yesterday. I had put down my pen. I didn't know my next sentence. I was waiting for someone else to write the next part of my story.

So I took back some control. I wrote one letter at a time. In this case, I wrote one email at a time. I reached out to see who I could help. If I can't help the way I am used to helping right now, what other ways can I make a difference? 

The thing is, as soon as I got done writing a few emails I got a call. The Universe was responding to my actions. It wasn't a game-changing call, just a small bit of positive news that encouraged me to keep moving. The clouds were parting, or to go back to my first visualization, I was blooming. 

It is great to live in the moment, but when that moment isn't pleasant there may be factors outside that moment invading the space. Perhaps it is a sign to turn inward or perhaps it is a sign to get proactive and take back some control. Only you can answer what you need in that moment. There is no right or wrong answer. If it feels right go with it, but if it feels heavy maybe it is time to try something new. 

I'm so grateful to push through and write yesterday. I'm grateful to honor that lotus feeling, resting and blooming. I'm grateful to get proactive and write. I'm grateful to recognize the weight and cast it off. I'm grateful for those responses I received yesterday. I'm grateful to feel energized by my actions and know I am moving in the right direction. I'm grateful to take a break and go play at the park with my kids. I'm grateful for bits of good news to encourage me. I'm grateful to see solutions now, rather than road blocks. 

What do you do when you are stuck? What do you do to move forward?

May we remember we are all different. May we take the time to figure out what works best for us and use those methods to create our best life. Have a beautiful day!

Today nature was calling. It is rare to get a day in the fifties in January. Even though it hadn't neared its peak temperature and the clouds were heavily in place, we decided to get outside and go to the park today.

My little one woke early so she was pretty tired and mostly observed from the stroller. My oldest cruised the whole time on her bike. Some places were still a bit icy where the shadow of trees hadn't melted it away but really that just added to the adventure. My preschooler really enjoyed trying to ride on the ice. And we all got to take in the beauty of Canadian Geese, Mallard Ducks, assorted other small wildlife, and even saw two trains up close! 

It was a so refreshing to be outside. Usually in the winter I am snuggled up in layers avoiding going out. I'm still not a fan of being cold but I made a mental commitment this year to see if getting outside more in the winter would also help the seasonal affective disorder. It really does seem to make a big difference! There is always a nice warm home to come back to, thankfully, to thaw in later. 

What elevates your mood? What invigorates you? What motivates you to try something new or do something you normally wouldn't? 

I'm grateful to get outside today. I'm grateful to be keeping my commitment to get outdoors this winter. I'm grateful my girls love being outside and the cold doesn't seem to bother them. I'm grateful for warm hats and coats. I'm grateful for a cute knitted hat. I'm grateful for a warm fuzzy blanket now that I am back inside. I'm grateful for strollers that allow tired little ones to cruise along and keep up. I'm equally grateful to slow down a bit when they want to walk and participate more fully. I'm grateful and proud for how well my preschooler is doing with her bike. I'm grateful for the multitude of questions she can come up with that make me slow down and really see things I otherwise would have missed. I'm grateful for so many beautiful parks to choose from in our area. I'm grateful for some that even have some flatter trails for beginner bikers. I'm grateful for the fresh air and feeling the coolness as it went into my lungs. I'm grateful to watch my breath as it curled and floated back out into the world. I'm grateful for these beautiful little moments.

May today be the breath of fresh air we needed. May we choose to push ourselves to grow and love each minute of the process. Have a beautiful day!

There really is joy in giving. I was feeling a little overwhelmed again last week. There is a lot to get done over the coming days and I wasn't convinced there was actually enough time to do it. Thankfully I have a whole team of supportive people in my life!

One of the things needing done was delivering presents my daughter had made for some of her friends. Another task was delivering cards for Thanksgiving. (I had decided this year more than ever needed Thanksgiving cards more than Christmas cards so we could add some positive light as we enter the holiday season.)

The cards I settled for mostly just mailing. The presents needed hand delivered. Hand delivering them definitely took more time, but it was well worth it! It was so nice seeing the smiles on my daughter and her friends' faces as she shared the gifts she made them. It was such a gift to share in their joy.

I was also blessed to have mom watch my kiddos a little this weekend so I could get some other tasks done. I was able to make my mom a new mask, as well as some for me, and get some preschool planning done. My mom always says it is as much a gift to her as it is to me. And isn't it true? Giving is a gift in itself. It brings joy to both parties. 

I'm so grateful for my amazing support system, especially my mom. I'm grateful for my sewing machine holding up all these years. I'm grateful to have the ability to make my own masks. I'm grateful for my daughter's generosity in giving gifts to her friends and asking to get something for her sister too. I'm grateful to support her in giving. I'm so grateful to be reminded how good it feels to give and how it can bolster up my mood and mindset in such a positive way. I'm grateful to be heading into a season specifically about giving. I'm grateful to start by giving thanks for all the beautiful blessings in my life.

How are you doing? Between the pandemic, Winter coming, and the holiday season; what are you doing for self-care? If you are struggling, know you are not alone and there is support out here for you. And if you feel it in you to find a way to give, you may find that just that act is a good way to start feeling great again. 

​May today help us remember the true spirit of this season. May we give with a generous heart and feel the gift of joy in return. Have a beautiful day!

This morning provided the most beautiful gift. My youngest daughter woke up first, as usual. We played in her room for a little while and then went downstairs. We ate breakfast but the rest of the family was still sound asleep. 

My youngest loves being outside. She quickly worked her way passed the table and looked out the windows at the trees. We watched through the window as one of the small branches began twitching and bobbing erratically, definitely not from wind. After a moment a young cardinal appeared. My daughter was so ecstatic she began chirping and "whoo whoo" and any flight-animal sounds she knows trying to pair one to this bird. 

I decided to move us outside for a better view. Rather than sit on the deck's built in benches which face you toward the house, we plopped right on the deck by the windows to gaze out and up at the yard. It took a few moments for the wildlife to settle back into their routines. Soon a squirrel ran passed on the rail of the deck. The cardinal returned as well as several small birds. 

In one particularly quiet, still moment a hummingbird came and hovered, peering at us curiously. It darted back and forth watching us before it flew away. It was such a magical moment! I think even my infant daughter could tell just how special it was because she sat perfectly still watching and as soon as it was gone turned to me with her face pure glee. It was priceless.

I'm grateful for these quiet moments. I'm grateful to cherish this time not only in nature but together. I'm grateful for our woodland visitors. I'm grateful to have this beautiful slice of nature in the city. I'm grateful for the squirrels that are always active and entertaining. I'm grateful for the bountiful bird population, especially the cardinals that hold special significance for me. I'm beyond grateful to get to see a hummingbird and be fully in the moment as we studied each other. I'm grateful for my youngest daughter and her quiet, gentle personality. 

What gifts did you receive today? What moments were offered to cherish?

​May today remind us to pause and take in each moment. May we be rewarded for being present. May we cherish the memories these moments provide. Have a beautiful day!

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this even if I don't always like it. Some things happen from our own actions. Some things happen from our inactions. Some things are co-created through another person. But I believe most things happen as part of a divine plan.

I do not personally believe that our lives are all carved out for us by fate or anything but I do believe that the energy we put into the world and the actions we take set us on fluid paths that continue to change as we make our choices. I also believe that sometimes divine energy pops in to guide us back if we get a little stuck int he mud or wander a little too deep in the weeds. 

I believe that even this pandemic has meaning and message set in the divine. I don't believe it is as punishment but rather to guide us back to a slower life, one hopefully more in touch with nature. I think it is helping us see through some veils and help each of us find the power to explore our own reality. 

Does this belief make it easy? No. Sometimes I want to scream to the heavens "why?!" But most things come to light in due time. Relationships end so that something better can come along. Sometimes opportunities come in the aftermath of what feels like utter destruction. 

These are the things I remind myself when something is out of my control. It's not just that it is happening for a reason but that something positive will come of it, even if I never actually see it. What if that light had stayed green only to have someone run it and crash into you? Would you still complain about another red light? We never know how all the cards are falling and sometimes we never even see it in hindsight.

I like plans. I like lists and preparation. I like having a basic itinerary. I don't want it all spelled out and all the t's crossed but I want the basic layout so I know what to expect. But sometimes the best laid plans get tossed by one small hiccup. 

The hardest part for me is being in limbo. Disappointment is no fun but it is a finality that can be reconstructed in the mind to find some positive in it. The limbo, the not knowing, that is what stresses me. So today I practice finding peace in the knowledge that even if I don't know which way the coin will land, it will land that way for a reason. 

I'm grateful to recognize the familiar clench of anxiety. I'm grateful to observe it. I'm grateful to acknowledge that some of the struggle is compounded by lack of sleep. I'm grateful to focus on trust. I'm grateful to allow all the feelings to float through as I prepare myself for either relief and excitement or disappointment and sadness. I'm also grateful to know that the feelings will pass as I refocus on the positive and rebalance myself. I'm grateful to find meaning and comfort in my beliefs. 

What do you believe? What helps you when obstacles or disappointments arise?

May we trust our own beliefs. May we choose what is best for us. May we find healthy ways of moving forward when plans change. Have a beautiful day!

Sometimes when an activity is getting ready to end and I know my girls will have a hard time walking away, I sing a little countdown diddy. "Five, four, three, two, one...the water bucket is all done. We'll come back again to play on another beautiful day." The words change a little depending on what we are ending but the countdown and "all done" is the important part. 

Other activities are not fun but sometimes as adults we get stuck in a rut, continuing them even though it isn't fun. Last week I was in a bit of a pity party. I was struggling with some depression and worries. 

The funny thing is, I was reading my older daughter a book about worries and it was saying the best thing to do is talk about it. So I reached out to a few different people to talk about it and got mixed results. The first couple people I talked to I wasn't clear what I was asking for or needing and so what came back to me was unhelpful, through no fault of their own. Finally I managed to express it clearly and the answer surprised me. It hadn't been what I was expecting and yet it was exactly what I needed to hear. 

It showed me, in a kind and gentle way that this beautiful friend has, that I was actually in the midst of a pity party. She helped me see the other side of things and my perspective naturally changed. I'm not saying that stress magically melted away; but it sure did help to get a clearer view. 

This morning I woke with the ditty I sing to my girls in my head. This time I turned it around for myself. "Five, four, three, two, one...this pity party is all done. This is a game I don't want to play, let's go have a beautiful day!" 

I'm grateful to feel my feelings as they came up. I'm grateful to recognize the stress and try to voice what was behind it. I'm grateful for the first participants who were great sounding boards as I tried to put words to my feelings. I'm grateful for the final friend that helped me gain a new perspective. I'm grateful for her kind, gentle words that were still so powerful. I'm grateful for the wonderful blessings in my life. I'm grateful to know that I have a great support network when I get in these funks. I'm grateful to get back to a positive state of mind.

What could be counted down in your life? What are you wanting to end or shift? What are you wanting to begin?

May we remember that endings can be beautiful. May we open our arms to the wonderful blessings that can come from closing a door. Have a beautiful day!

Well, some days winning is just in getting back up. I am not perfect. I am not a perfect mom that does everything right. In fact, I make a lot of mistakes. Hopefully at least my honesty and ability to humbly apologize will help narrow the gap. 

I love the song ,"Strong Enough to Bend" by Tanya Tucker. I try to remember that phrase as I navigate life. It isn't just in parenting or marriage. It isn't just in our words but also our actions. We have to find a flexibility. Yesterday I was able to tuck and roll with it. Today, I cracked. 

It was the perfect storm of lack of sleep, one child in meltdown and another one demanding everything she needed in that instant. It piggybacked just after a thirty minute battle of one child screaming the ultimate tantrum while the other was antagonizing to get some attention. And in between I let my mind wander to a negative place of comparison and missing something that is long gone even as I found a way to guilt and blame myself for something that is actually just natural. CRACK! 

The branch of a tree cannot hold the nests of all the birds. It holds one nest. It offers other branches for other nests but even then there is a limit. 

I am one person. I cannot hold it all. But I do not have to if I remember to ask for help and treat myself the way I treat my friends, with love and care, compassion and forgiveness. 

I'm grateful to have such great kids. I'm grateful to have gotten my dream come true in being a mom. I'm grateful to be reminded I am a good mom and nobody is perfect. I'm grateful to always be open with my girls when I make a mistake. I'm grateful to know respect and good listening is a two way street. I'm grateful for my husband who always has my back. I'm grateful to have a goal in mind but to work on letting go of how that looks in the details. I'm grateful to have music to help me calm down and bring positive thoughts back. I'm grateful to see how hard I am on myself and where I can give myself more grace.

What are some areas that you are good at "bending"? What do you do when you feel yourself starting to crack? 

May we find grace and compassion for ourselves and others. May we model the way we want the world to look, not just respond to the one we have. Have a beautiful day!

In talking to a client tonight it dawned on me why I have been feeling so much anger lately. At first I was quick to blame it on hormones. Then I thought it was a process of healing another layer of past trauma that had been brought to the surface. Tonight's conversation provided a much needed "aha" moment. Something I have been having a lot of lately.

This year has been a year of stress, upheaval, change, and as a result lots of anxiety attacks. I am normally one to mostly avoid confrontation. Yet for the last week or two I have just been feeling like a fight. In some ways it has allowed me to stand up for myself like I would not have in the past, though I have been mindful to keep it respectful. But inside I feel like I am boiling over sometimes which is a mostly new feeling for me. 

Well guess what brain level I have been in for the last four and a half months. That's right, stress and anxiety have put me in flight mode. Well apparently I've reached my limit on flight and my body is moving toward fight mode to give me some relieve, some sense of power no matter how false. 

Does it have to be this way? Are our options only fight or flight right now? Of course not. We always have a choice to find another way, find a way to pull ourselves out of the sympathetic state and back to a parasympathetic state. 

Exercise is my main outlet for bringing myself back down from anxiety. Bet you can guess what has been, once again, lacking from my routine. Yes, even after just a few weeks ago I committed to put it back in, I fell short. 

I have been meditating and doing yoga but both have been amid multiple interruptions lately which definitely makes them less effective. Part of this is just the stage of life I am at with two small kids but part of it is needing to commit to finding a better time to attempt these practices.

I'm grateful to receive another aha moment. I'm grateful to see where my words and "commitments" are falling short and not followed through. I'm grateful to see the effect it is having on my body and see I need to make a change. I'm also grateful to see this other side of myself for what it is and allow myself to feel the anger rather than stuffing it away. I'm grateful to recognize it and be mindful that I am still choosing to my interactions and not releasing these emotions on others. I'm grateful to apologize and be humble to those who have been witness to this. I'm grateful to find a plan and start moving forward. I'm grateful to rely on my training as I look for ways to build habits instead of make commitments.

Which state are you currently living in (sympathetic or parasympathetic)? What habits help keep you in balance and what habits can you shift to make this even better? 

May we take steps each day to improve our mental health. May we find grace in the aha moments and use them to move forward. Have a beautiful day!

Today was a challenging day, mostly because I got less than three hours of sleep last night. Teething is a rough time for the whole family and, while we banded together pretty well today, it was clear we were all lacking sleep.

My husband and I powered through as parents do; making an extra effort to consciously respond patiently and with understanding as the kids melted down time after time after time. When bedtime arrived our routine was thrown off by some damage being caused to our property while we were gone this evening. While my husband dealt with that I took on both girls' bedtime routines, praying for a quick easy time since they were both tired. There were a few hiccups and meltdowns. The baby stuck it out for nearly an hour of wailing but has finally drifted off, at least for the time being.

It is hard to drag my mind through the process of finding the positive side when I truly just want to go to sleep. But what comes to mind is last night's events. The baby screamed for nearly 3 and a half hours straight with nothing helping. I was mentally and emotionally ravaged and felt completely shattered. My husband held me together in a hug for nearly thirty minutes when our daughter finally went to sleep. The visual that came to mind was that of a chrysalis hugging a caterpillar as it morphs into a butterfly.

As I lay in bed after having my own meltdown and "cocooning" I focused on these questions. What do I want to fall away and what do I want to emerge? This was an opportunity. It was a challenge designed to make room for growth. So how will I choose to grow and emerge?

The answers are not simple. They are not going to just happen overnight. But in changing my focus from where I had "fallen short" in my mind to where I could grow, I can begin to let some light into the chrysalis and start my transformation to emerge.

I'm so grateful for my husband. He truly is my rock. I'm grateful he can be the shore that catches me as I crash in. I'm grateful to let the tears fall and accept responsibility and also forgiveness. I'm grateful to be a pretty good mom even as I see all the ways I need to work on myself. I'm grateful for the opportunities for me to grow that come to me through my beautiful children. I'm grateful to try to stay in this place of grace as I focus on the changes I want to make.

What challenges and opportunities for growth are presenting themselves to you? Who has your back? How do you make room for growth?

May today remind us there is no limit of times we get to re-emerge and grow. May we see the opportunities life gives us and make the changes we want to see. Have a beautiful day!

Perhaps it is the weather, which has been grey and overcast and drizzly most days of the last couple weeks. Perhaps it is the knowledge that in less than a week I will return to work. Perhaps it is the worry that life will be speeding back up again when I return to the outside world. Or perhaps it is just the hormones shifting again as we near my daughter's first birthday and she is naturally slowing her nursing schedule. No matter the reason, I have been riding some big emotional waves this week.

The ups have been nice but not overly high. The lows have been deep and the tears have flowed. I feel like I am in mourning even though I am not sure all the elements behind it. 

It is a process to navigate through and on the other side I will find balance again. Things are once again changing. Just as I had to readjust for the shelter-in-place, I have to equally readjust to emerging back into the world. It is like a butterfly or perhaps a lotus flower. Now it is time to re-emerge.

I'm grateful for the wonderful people in my life that provide good conversation as I talk it out. I'm grateful for the love and support I receive each day. I'm grateful to know that this time at home was a beautiful blessing and to have cherished the moments of it. I'm grateful to know that I am still so lucky and blessed to get to spend the first half of my day with my girls each day. I'm grateful it is "summer" and we will not be navigating a return to school at the same time as my return to work. I'm grateful for my amazing clients who are so kind and welcoming. I'm grateful to know returning to work will help bring another side of my purpose back into play. I'm grateful to ride these waves, knowing they are part of the process and all is well.

How are you doing today? Is your life shifting or is it remaining as is for the time being? What would you like to bring with you as you emerge?

May today remind us that change is good. May we find gratitude in the process and beauty in the moments. Have a beautiful day!