Amid the escalating and constantly changing situation outside it was nice to finally get some clarity for myself. I will admit that I have let my anxiety control me for several days. I've felt wishy-washy on what to do and how to respond, hoping someone would make the hard decisions for me.

Last night I could not sleep between a baby that was wide awake most the night and my own anxiety running rampant through my thoughts. I tried to sleep in this morning but as soon as my sleep had a minor interruption it was no use. Even a guided meditation could not derail and reboot my thoughts. 

We decided to go ahead and celebrate my mom's birthday. Being around my family helped tremendously. There was a lot of talk about what is happening with Covid-19 but also some good laughs and distractions. It was nice to see them and allow things to feel a little bit "normal" again as we enjoyed family lunch.

After leaving I felt more clear in what directions and steps I would take. I started by making a mental list of all unnecessary risks that I could easily spare my family. I then composed a message to my clients setting clear boundaries and reminding them to think of the community in making their own decisions. It got a very positive response which gave me more reassurance that I was not the only one seeking some direction and initiative. 

I'm grateful to step up. I'm grateful to stop looking to everyone else to tell me what to do and do what makes sense for me and my family. I'm grateful to mentally preparing the next steps in my head. I'm grateful to be finding my voice and my path amidst the uncertainty. I'm grateful for laughs shared with family as well as good sounding board chats. I'm grateful to get other perspectives to take into account. I'm grateful to follow what feels good to my heart and know that it will help my mental state as well as my sleep.

What is right for you? What precautions would help you feel confident and secure? How can you take the steps you need to find your inner peace and calm amidst this "storm"? 

May today remind us to think not only of our loved ones but those in our community. May we make the decisions we feel are right for the greater good and for our own peace of mind. Have a beautiful day!

Today was a rough, dark day for me. I hit a low and felt those familiar fingers of depression pulling at my thoughts.

The current stage my oldest daughter is going through is really taking a toll on me. It's just a stage. Everything is just a stage at this point. And yet days and weeks of being yelled at, hit, and called names have worn me. The constant boundary pushing has drained me. Her assertion that I am a terrible mom drove the nail home today.

My response was that I was sorry she felt that way because I loved her very much. After leaving her room and retreating to the safety of the basement I allowed a private tirade followed by complete sobbing mess. 

My family always called me Tender Heart growing up. I may have aged but my skin is only slightly thicker. 

I know my daughter loves me. I know this will pass and I hope I weather it with enough grace that we have an even stronger relationship coming out the other side. But in the meantime I need to seek the light to keep me out of that darkness. For me, the best way to do that is to focus on gratitude, seek laughter, and collect as many hugs as possible.

I'm grateful for my husband that takes a "shift" with the girls while I go to work. I'm grateful to have a job that takes me away for just a short while. I'm grateful for kind clients. I'm grateful to have a job that lends itself to self-reflection. I'm grateful for my mom. I'm grateful for my amazing network of friends and family that have my back when I need to vent and can reassure me it is truly just a phase. I'm grateful for baby snuggles. I'm grateful for some time to just sit in silence.

Depression and stress do not look one way. Anyone could be struggling and you may never even notice. What are your signs? How do you find light when stress is building? What is your self-care routine?

May we all know who to reach out to when we need a hand getting back to the light. May we monitor our thoughts and fight the darkness. And may we all know we are loved no matter what. Have a beautiful day!

​(But if you are not having a beautiful day, reach out to me or someone.)

I am no stranger to monkey-mind, that chaotic mental chatter that goes on inside. For a few years I had a pretty good handle on it because I meditated several times a day. Then I had kids... 

It's interesting that probably the time meditation is needed most is when you have little ones around, keeping patience as you explain for the fourteenth time today why they cannot use sharpies instead of their washable markers. 

For me, personally, the mental chatter is worse as a mom anyway. I'm sure a good portion of it is lack of adequate sleep. Yet there is a plenty of mom guilt (self-inflicted) with an added layer of mom-shaming from supposedly supportive facebook groups and outsiders. The combination of the two has been known to draw some tears from my tender heart and today was one of those days.

Interestingly thirty minutes after I got mom-shamed I got an email from someone saying what an amazing mom I was, completely out of nowhere. We all make mistakes but we also have our strengths and our successes. It is harder for me to mentally balance and recognize both sides when I am tired so I did my best to reflect on concrete moments. 

This weekend was full of moments of my older daughter asking for special mommy time. She was in need of some extra love and attention. Happily I was able to give it to her most of the times when she asked. This special time included going for a nature walk. As we explored the trail we found some acorns and set a buffet on a log "table" for the nearby squirrels. We watched the creek flowing and we ran along the top of the dam. We also had some yoga time and chose a new focus word for the week, "patience". 

I got several moments of time with my little one too, enjoying her laughter and smiles. 

There were moments I could see where I could have done "better". There were things I could see I needed to shift tactics to get out of a rut with my headstrong preschooler. But overall, I am a good mom. 

I'm grateful to recognize the mental chatter and its link to exhaustion. I'm grateful for a loving husband to bring me back when I take others' words to heart. I'm grateful to know that my girls think I am a good mom. I'm grateful to know I am doing my best even if that looks different day to day. I'm grateful to see when I can make shifts and changes and where I feel I am on the right track. I'm grateful for the beautiful email tonight that was so kind and up-lifting. I'm grateful for the special time with my girls and especially to get outdoors in nature. I'm grateful to see the need to make more time this week for mediation and me time as the mental chatter grows.

How do you recognize when the mental chatter is getting too loud? What does your monkey mind try to tell you? How do you redirect when the chatter goes negative?

May today be filled with supportive and loving dialogue. May we move towards where we want to be while giving ourselves grace in the moments we feel we fell short. Have a beautiful day!

On my way home from work tonight I decided I needed to do a gratitude challenge tonight. It is a good way for me to overload myself with the beauty of my life. In overloading myself with the positive it leaves little room to focus on what may not be going as perfectly.

I have seen how the shadows help me to appreciate the sunshine. And I have a respect and appreciation for the shadows in and of themselves. Tonight I needed to bathe in some self-made light.

When I arrived home my eldest daughter asked me to read her a book. I said yes. She asked me to read her another and I said yes. She asked me to lay with her in her bed for a few minutes and so I did. 

I watched my youngest daughter as she nursed before bed. I watched as her eyes explored every thread of my shirt and her fingers traced it gently. I smiled at the intensity of her eyes and the cute way her tongue sticks out of her mouth as she explores everything. 

I listened to my husband chat with our oldest daughter, patiently. He is such a great dad. I thought about how he had texted me throughout the day because he knew I had a rough morning. He is such a great husband and person. And I'm excited to nerd it up as we plan his birthday party. 

I'm grateful for all these beautiful moments and so much more. I'm grateful how just being present can make the abundance of gratitude flow. I'm grateful to satisfy with challenge without it being a challenge at all. I'm grateful for my girls' blue eyes. I'm grateful for my oldest's precocious nature and love of reading. I'm grateful for all the questions she thinks to ask and the insight into the inner workings of her mind. I'm grateful to get to see the world new and fresh again through my baby's eyes. I'm grateful for the beautiful bonding time we get during feedings. I'm grateful to just hold her and be in this fleeting moment of her being so small. I'm grateful for my husband for a million reasons but mostly for his huge heart. I'm grateful for his protective and supportive nature. And I'm grateful for his inner nerd. I'm grateful for this life. I'm grateful for the shadows and I'm grateful to know I have only to look as far as the current moment to find the light.

What are you grateful for? Can you find ten gratitudes in five minutes or less? What brings you light?

​May today be lived in the moment. May we seek to find the beauty that is always right in front of us. May we tell the ones we love how much they mean to us. Have a beautiful day!

It's easy to say, "I want to be happier," but what does that mean? I set a theme for myself this year to make a Commitment to Creating Positivity. I have felt the energy of our household has not been as positive as it could be as my preschooler navigates frustration and tests the limits of how to express it safely. I also have felt the strain between being yelled at by a child repeatedly and the pull of seasonal gloom. 

The stress of trying to remain chipper and beating myself up when I am not is having the opposite effect than my themed intention. The pull of "should" is counterproductive. On Saturday I was blessed with a day of snow and ice, effectively canceling anything I needed to do outside the home. It took it out of my hands and allowed me to take some much needed time home with my family. 

It also made me realize that part of Creating Positivity is observing, acknowledging, and feeling all my feelings. Today I took time to feel each feeling as it came up. I took a breath and asked myself "what is coming up?" Why am I allowing myself to take it personally as my daughter practices using her voice to express her heavier feelings? In getting caught up in my own emotion, I am less able to help her work through her own. But the funny part is that I get caught in my own when I am denying my own. When I simply allow that it doesn't feel good and breathe into it, it also helps me breathe into the depth of her feelings and embrace both. 

My intention is not "to be happier". I have a beautiful life and I am very grateful. That does not mean I only experience positive emotions. Having feelings of sadness does not mean I am less grateful or love my life less. It simply means the experience is authentic to me. My emotions help me navigate my internal dialog and help me grow. So today I let go of the idea that Creating Positivity means always having a smile on my face. And in that reevaluation and release I find a new level of positivity in self-acceptance.

I'm grateful to remind myself I am human. I'm grateful to give myself permission to feel all my feelings. I'm grateful for the compass my feelings provide. I'm grateful to love my life. I'm grateful to observe and reevaluate. I'm grateful to take time to breathe into my feelings today and to find ways to try and help my daughter with hers. I'm grateful for this crazy, sometimes challenging, adventure called parenthood. I'm grateful to have a beautiful family with a mix of personalities that keep life interesting and help me grow. I'm grateful for a year ahead and practicing creating positivity authentically.

What are your intentions for the year, month, day, week, or even just today? What emotions have you been feeling and how do they help you navigate?

May today allow our feelings to communicate to us. May we embrace all that comes up and find beauty in the process. Have a beautiful day!

When the wheels of the mind get turning, sometimes I struggle to turn it back off. Tonight I found myself juggling four "plates" while simultaneously sorting through several mind puzzles at the same time. 

Between empathy overload and logistical chaos it was hard to stay present. Ok, let me be honest, there was no staying present. My mind was racing and in sync my anxiety kicked into high gear. 

I returned home to a list of demands that all needed instant attention and I said "I've got this." Did I? No. It was a good reminder for me to remember to ask for help when I need it. This lesson has always been a struggle for me so the reminder is nothing new.

The result of not reigning it all in was failure. I failed to stay present. I failed to ask for help. I failed to connect to my preschooler the way I wanted to before bed and instead only found more frustration and anxiety as she went to bed in tears.

It would be easy right now to go down the road of guilt and self-flogging (mentally). I will admit that I am great at both these things and partake more often than I would like to admit. Just last night my husband and I were discussing the idea of failure and my high standards for myself. It was a great conversation to lead up to today because it was a great reminder to give myself grace.

Failure is, ninety-nine percent of the time, in the eyes of the beholder and not a permanent crash. Most of the time we can shift the failure and turn ir back around at some point. In this case by my own awareness and taking the self-care steps needed to start tomorrow off better.

I'm grateful for the reminder of grace. I'm grateful to hold a high level of compassion and empathy. I'm grateful to recognize when I am letting those positive traits overpower me and start to take a negative toll. I'm grateful to love my children so much that I strive to do right by them and hold myself to high standards. I'm also grateful to know they do not hold me to those same standards and love me despite my perceived failures. I'm grateful to know I can juggle what needs juggled and that it is also ok to not juggle everything. I'm grateful to prioritize and take a step back. I'm grateful to have had so much time to play with my girls today even though it came at the expense of the house not getting cleaned. I'm grateful to get to kiss my girls goodnight.

What constitutes failure in your eyes? How do you reset and try again? How do you reframe?

​May today remind us we're human. May we give ourselves grace and move forward. Have a beautiful day!

For the last several years we have used the Christmas tree I bought nearly twenty years ago for my first apartment. It looked small in the room and the fake needles were beginning to shed but it worked well enough.

This year we decided it was time to pass the tree on to someone who could not afford a tree and buy ourselves a new one. My husband and I (with baby in tow) went last night to look at some of the options while our preschooler was spending the night at her grandparents'. Yet after looking and getting an idea of what we liked and our price range we decided to get our preschooler's input.

This evening we let the baby stay with her grandma for a bit and made a special trip with our preschooler to pick a tree. We showed her a couple at one store and then went back to the store we had gone to last night. I walked over by the two we were trying to decide between and barely had the question out of my mouth when her eyes lit up. For all the trees we had seen this was the first one that made her brighten. "That one!" she exclaimed. 

It was the one my husband and I were leaning toward anyway but her reaction sealed it. My husband got the ticket number and went to the back to pick up the tree while my daughter and I continued to watch the colors change on the tree. Her eyes twinkled.

Christmas has been a challenging time for me in the past. When I was a young adult my mom had told me that one day I would have children and find the joy in Christmas again. It has been true to some extent, though I have also done a lot of work to heal and find gratitude in the season for myself. 

Standing there holding my three-year-old and watching her eyes twinkle I felt my heart swell. These simple joys are something I can identify with even as an adult. I even felt a little excitement for the season.

I'm grateful to have let our daughter have the final say on the tree. I'm grateful to witness her joy. I'm grateful to have a new tree. I'm grateful for all the options and creativity this tree offers with its lights. I'm grateful to head into a new Christmas season with anticipation and joy. I'm grateful to still give Thanksgiving its due. I'm grateful for my beautiful family. 

What brings you joy? What renews your love of the Christmas season? Who reminds you of the little twinkle of childhood?

May this season bring love and joy. May those needing extra love and comfort this season find plenty. May those who find joy in this season share it. Have a beautiful day!

Some weeks life just throws ridiculous curveballs and demands. The picture above is of a game called "I Can Do That!" In the game the player draws one card from each of three stacks and then tries to perform the challenge. Given that this weekend was full of birthday celebrations; I found this set of cards particularly appropriate for the representation of the week. 

I was so excited to get to have dinner with my girlfriends this weekend. The night of I found myself rushing like a mad woman to leave work early enough to come home to feed the baby (who is refusing to take bottles), then peel the three year old off my leg (crying that I was leaving again) to race down the road to meet my friends. During the drive I felt guilty for taking this time to myself and yet I returned a renewed person ready to face the night of two clinging babies with patience and grace.

At a three year old's birthday pool party I found myself walking the lazy river holding a sleeping three month old on my shoulder and my other arm looped around the waist of my three year old so she could pretend she was swimming it. And while there were moments that felt a little overwhelming, mostly I was feeling calm and proud as I navigated my own "river". 

I talk a lot about perspective and finding the good in things. But being overwhelmed is a legitimate feeling and I don't want anyone to think I am recommending ignoring the signs. When my cup runs so low that the demands feel too much, forget the I "should" find the positive in this and instead look for where I can give myself grace and self-care. 

I did not post at the end of last week. It wasn't that I couldn't have found things to be grateful for in the blessings around me; it was the overwhelm of the whole family being frazzled from the baby's screaming wail all week and wanting to be with them in support rather than wonder off to try to make a post. 

All last week there was a pull trying to uproot me. There were definitely tipping moments but overall I was so proud and grateful to stay grounded. I'm so happy I made the choice to be there for my family but also fill my own cup. 

I'm grateful for celebrations with friends. I'm grateful to commit to taking my daughters to enjoy their friend's party. I'm grateful for all the support and love I get from friends and family. I'm grateful for my awesome girlfriends that I couldn't live without. I'm grateful to fill my cup. I'm grateful for all the support my husband provided so I could accomplish that task. I'm grateful for my loving girls who want to be with me all the time. I'm grateful for moments of grace and truth. I'm grateful for perspective but I'm also grateful to be honest and take care of my needs.

What helps you stay grounded against the pull? What aspects of life have you trying to walk with a cake between your legs? (I really do enjoy this game though!) 

May today allow us to take the steps necessary and eat our cake too. (haha) May we find the positive in the situations we can and give ourself grace when we need to just take time to care for ourselves. Have a beautiful day!

Today was one of those days where things just didn't go quite as planned. Ends didn't meet where they were supposed to, transitions didn't flow, and things seemed to be missing or not working at every other turn.

What do you do when your day is going this way? What special resource do you "turn on" to help you get through days like this?

For me, humor is what I need. I need to laugh to release some of the tension because most likely if I don't choose laughter there will be tears instead. My emotions tend to run high and a physical relief like laughter is a great way to keep things positive. 

Now, did I do this at every misstep today? Nope. There was some frustration, a few moments of near tears and lost patience but overall I did well at reminding myself to take deep breaths and even laugh a little. 

I'm grateful for some humor to save the energy of the day. I'm grateful for getting the bumps out early in the week so the rest the week can run more smoothly. I'm grateful to have found my wallet. I'm grateful to learn you can still check out the seventeen books your child picked out at the library even when your wallet is missing. I'm grateful the dishwasher started. I'm grateful for all the things that run and work without a second thought from me. I'm grateful for my husband's patience as we work through some bottle rebellion from our little one. I'm grateful for friends and family that I can count on to be there whether I need to vent, ask advice, or share some humor. I'm grateful to be so loved and so blessed. I'm grateful to crawl into bed at the end of the night and know all is ok.

So what do you do to diffuse a rough day? What coping strategies do you use and who do you reach out to for support?

May today supply humor without the frustration. May we find healthy, fun coping habits to guide us on the bumpier days. Have a beautiful day!

I was blessed to take a little trip this weekend with my family. It was our first trip out of town with our newest edition. We didn't go far, just three hours away to visit my mother-in-law. Yet in just two days, a couple hours from home, I found renewal. 

We were celebrating my daughter's birthday as well as my mother-in law's. We went out to dinner one night but the rest of the time my husband cooked his amazing meals for us. My mother-in-law went back and forth between helping him prepare food and helping me play with the girls. In return she received baby smiles and coos and preschooler love in the form of "will you read me another book?!" 

Somehow it felt more like my birthday. I got to sit and play with my preschooler as we imagined all kinds of things. My favorite was when she decided the whole room was a moon elevator! We had a lot of fun with that scenario. 

I also got to just spend time to sit on the floor with my baby and soak up her smiles and coos and really pay attention to her personality that is emerging. I feel like in the chaos of our everyday schedules she doesn't get the one-on-one time she deserves. (I do recognize that part of this is the unfair comparison to all the time I was able to just sit and stare at my first daughter...because she was my first and didn't have to share attention.) It really filled my heart to have this time to just be with her.

I'm beyond grateful to have made it out of town. I'm grateful for my mother-in-law's graciousness as allowing us to overtake her house for the weekend. I'm grateful for how well both girls handled the transition and being in new beds at night. I'm grateful to leave feeling renewed. I'm grateful to recognize the feeling of demands pulling at me now that I am back home so that I can take an honest look at what I can whittle away. I'm grateful to have a reminder of how calm and simple life can be. I'm grateful to look for ways to simplify our schedules so we can get more of these calm, bonding times here at home. I'm grateful for all my husband did to make this weekend go so smoothly. 

How do you recharge? How often do you feel yourself needing to recharge from your everyday life? How can you add more "recharge" moments into your daily practice so you don't have to "get away" from your life as often? This is definitely the question I will be pondering as I make some changes moving forward.

May today remind us to just sit and be in the moment whenever possible. May we consciously choose lifestyles that nourish our mind, body, and soul. Have a beautiful day!