Today was a challenging day, mostly because I got less than three hours of sleep last night. Teething is a rough time for the whole family and, while we banded together pretty well today, it was clear we were all lacking sleep.

My husband and I powered through as parents do; making an extra effort to consciously respond patiently and with understanding as the kids melted down time after time after time. When bedtime arrived our routine was thrown off by some damage being caused to our property while we were gone this evening. While my husband dealt with that I took on both girls' bedtime routines, praying for a quick easy time since they were both tired. There were a few hiccups and meltdowns. The baby stuck it out for nearly an hour of wailing but has finally drifted off, at least for the time being.

It is hard to drag my mind through the process of finding the positive side when I truly just want to go to sleep. But what comes to mind is last night's events. The baby screamed for nearly 3 and a half hours straight with nothing helping. I was mentally and emotionally ravaged and felt completely shattered. My husband held me together in a hug for nearly thirty minutes when our daughter finally went to sleep. The visual that came to mind was that of a chrysalis hugging a caterpillar as it morphs into a butterfly.

As I lay in bed after having my own meltdown and "cocooning" I focused on these questions. What do I want to fall away and what do I want to emerge? This was an opportunity. It was a challenge designed to make room for growth. So how will I choose to grow and emerge?

The answers are not simple. They are not going to just happen overnight. But in changing my focus from where I had "fallen short" in my mind to where I could grow, I can begin to let some light into the chrysalis and start my transformation to emerge.

I'm so grateful for my husband. He truly is my rock. I'm grateful he can be the shore that catches me as I crash in. I'm grateful to let the tears fall and accept responsibility and also forgiveness. I'm grateful to be a pretty good mom even as I see all the ways I need to work on myself. I'm grateful for the opportunities for me to grow that come to me through my beautiful children. I'm grateful to try to stay in this place of grace as I focus on the changes I want to make.

What challenges and opportunities for growth are presenting themselves to you? Who has your back? How do you make room for growth?

May today remind us there is no limit of times we get to re-emerge and grow. May we see the opportunities life gives us and make the changes we want to see. Have a beautiful day!

Perhaps it is the weather, which has been grey and overcast and drizzly most days of the last couple weeks. Perhaps it is the knowledge that in less than a week I will return to work. Perhaps it is the worry that life will be speeding back up again when I return to the outside world. Or perhaps it is just the hormones shifting again as we near my daughter's first birthday and she is naturally slowing her nursing schedule. No matter the reason, I have been riding some big emotional waves this week.

The ups have been nice but not overly high. The lows have been deep and the tears have flowed. I feel like I am in mourning even though I am not sure all the elements behind it. 

It is a process to navigate through and on the other side I will find balance again. Things are once again changing. Just as I had to readjust for the shelter-in-place, I have to equally readjust to emerging back into the world. It is like a butterfly or perhaps a lotus flower. Now it is time to re-emerge.

I'm grateful for the wonderful people in my life that provide good conversation as I talk it out. I'm grateful for the love and support I receive each day. I'm grateful to know that this time at home was a beautiful blessing and to have cherished the moments of it. I'm grateful to know that I am still so lucky and blessed to get to spend the first half of my day with my girls each day. I'm grateful it is "summer" and we will not be navigating a return to school at the same time as my return to work. I'm grateful for my amazing clients who are so kind and welcoming. I'm grateful to know returning to work will help bring another side of my purpose back into play. I'm grateful to ride these waves, knowing they are part of the process and all is well.

How are you doing today? Is your life shifting or is it remaining as is for the time being? What would you like to bring with you as you emerge?

May today remind us that change is good. May we find gratitude in the process and beauty in the moments. Have a beautiful day!

Typically we are an on-the-go family. We visit our parents, go camping, and get out of the house quite a bit. I personally am at my best if I can be out in nature, especially camping, for a couple days a month at least. 

This year has brought all that to a halt. We have been cooped up in the house and aside from some neighborhood walks and some deck time we have not been out of the house as a family of four at all. 

While this Covid-19 plot twist is far from over there is talks of parts of the state opening back up. As a massage therapist I will not be back to business for a while. But it has allowed a window to open up for my husband and I to begin talks about where we will go and what we will do when this is behind us. 

It is a great opportunity to start planning an overlanding trip, or what some might call back trails or off grid camping. We had been planning and slowing getting our gear all winter before things got derailed.

The thing is, just planning has brought a feeling of normalcy back. Looking through what we have and what we need for different trips and different areas brings the excitement. And the thought of returning to nature and getting away from the hum of electronics has already lowered my anxiety. Now we just have to figure out where we can go with restrictions or when we can go without restrictions. 

I'm grateful to start planning. I'm grateful to bring out the familiar check lists on what we need to pack. I'm grateful to even have the fun of meal planning for a trip. I'm grateful to feel like a weight is lifted just be making this small step. I'm grateful to keep the idea reasonable so that perhaps we can go sooner than later. I'm grateful to have found my soulmate and who is always up for a trip as well. I'm grateful to know we are on the same page. I'm grateful to have our gear and be ready as soon as the flag waves. I'm grateful for how uplifted I feel by something so simple and what would usually be so "normal". 

What helps you feel "normal" during this time? What do you do to raise your spirits? If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

May today bring us the gift of seeing the bits of normalcy we still have in each day. May we never again take for granted all the luxuries we currently miss. Have a beautiful day!

Yesterday's tears and time outside seems to be just what I needed to bring me back to center. My husband and I took some rare time last night and today to re-evaluate some things and figure out where we stand. I don't mean for ourselves, but financially and emotionally. 

It is always good to have these times to practice asking for what we need. For me it was help with both girls getting up multiple times a night so that I could try and catch a little sleep. It was also about knowing how we stand financially if the shelter-in-place continues longer than planned. And it was good to hear that the areas my husband was needing some relief were areas I could actually help. And I don't just mean being able to teach him how to do a proper drumroll on a child's drum set...though that happened too and I was proud to get to teach him.

It was good to sit down and figure out our priorities. It was good to re-evaluate what is helping our preschooler most to cope with her world being upside down. It was good to make a plan and be on the same page. But most of all it was just good to have that time to reconnect and remember that we are a team.

I'm so grateful for my husband. I'm grateful he is my rock. I'm grateful to be his sunshine, or do my best at being that positive light at least. I'm grateful to know his love for our family is as strong as my own. I'm grateful to have a plan and feel steady on my feet again. I'm grateful for the ways we are so very different and the ways we are the same that makes us a great team. I'm grateful for my family and friends that also are a huge support even from afar.

What needs re-evaluated in your life? Where do you need some assistance and who can help you? 

May today remind us to ask for the help we need even if we don't know how that help will come. May we trust in our loved ones and our communities as we work together to rise back up from our challenges. Have a beautiful day!

In general I don't watch much television. I rarely take time to sit and enjoy a full movie. I enjoy shows like The Good Fight, God Friended Me, and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

The last few weeks I have found a new appreciation for comedies, even the ones that are more off-color than I would normally enjoy. Sometimes that shock is good for a laugh in itself.

I'm grateful to mix it up. I'm grateful to let laughter ring out. I'm grateful for the abundance of comedy and stand up acts available to stream. I'm grateful to just snuggle in with my husband as we both let our worries go for an hour or so after the girls go to bed. I'm grateful to find new outlets for my daughters' creativity to shine too. I'm grateful to share laughter with them in other ways. I'm grateful for the release these comedies are giving to allow me to feel more like my normal self and for the way that carries over to my girls.

What makes you laugh? What gives you that mental boost and helps you feel some normalcy?

May today gift us with lots of humor. May we choose laughter over tears whenever possible. Have a beautiful day!

Amid the escalating and constantly changing situation outside it was nice to finally get some clarity for myself. I will admit that I have let my anxiety control me for several days. I've felt wishy-washy on what to do and how to respond, hoping someone would make the hard decisions for me.

Last night I could not sleep between a baby that was wide awake most the night and my own anxiety running rampant through my thoughts. I tried to sleep in this morning but as soon as my sleep had a minor interruption it was no use. Even a guided meditation could not derail and reboot my thoughts. 

We decided to go ahead and celebrate my mom's birthday. Being around my family helped tremendously. There was a lot of talk about what is happening with Covid-19 but also some good laughs and distractions. It was nice to see them and allow things to feel a little bit "normal" again as we enjoyed family lunch.

After leaving I felt more clear in what directions and steps I would take. I started by making a mental list of all unnecessary risks that I could easily spare my family. I then composed a message to my clients setting clear boundaries and reminding them to think of the community in making their own decisions. It got a very positive response which gave me more reassurance that I was not the only one seeking some direction and initiative. 

I'm grateful to step up. I'm grateful to stop looking to everyone else to tell me what to do and do what makes sense for me and my family. I'm grateful to mentally preparing the next steps in my head. I'm grateful to be finding my voice and my path amidst the uncertainty. I'm grateful for laughs shared with family as well as good sounding board chats. I'm grateful to get other perspectives to take into account. I'm grateful to follow what feels good to my heart and know that it will help my mental state as well as my sleep.

What is right for you? What precautions would help you feel confident and secure? How can you take the steps you need to find your inner peace and calm amidst this "storm"? 

May today remind us to think not only of our loved ones but those in our community. May we make the decisions we feel are right for the greater good and for our own peace of mind. Have a beautiful day!

Today was a rough, dark day for me. I hit a low and felt those familiar fingers of depression pulling at my thoughts.

The current stage my oldest daughter is going through is really taking a toll on me. It's just a stage. Everything is just a stage at this point. And yet days and weeks of being yelled at, hit, and called names have worn me. The constant boundary pushing has drained me. Her assertion that I am a terrible mom drove the nail home today.

My response was that I was sorry she felt that way because I loved her very much. After leaving her room and retreating to the safety of the basement I allowed a private tirade followed by complete sobbing mess. 

My family always called me Tender Heart growing up. I may have aged but my skin is only slightly thicker. 

I know my daughter loves me. I know this will pass and I hope I weather it with enough grace that we have an even stronger relationship coming out the other side. But in the meantime I need to seek the light to keep me out of that darkness. For me, the best way to do that is to focus on gratitude, seek laughter, and collect as many hugs as possible.

I'm grateful for my husband that takes a "shift" with the girls while I go to work. I'm grateful to have a job that takes me away for just a short while. I'm grateful for kind clients. I'm grateful to have a job that lends itself to self-reflection. I'm grateful for my mom. I'm grateful for my amazing network of friends and family that have my back when I need to vent and can reassure me it is truly just a phase. I'm grateful for baby snuggles. I'm grateful for some time to just sit in silence.

Depression and stress do not look one way. Anyone could be struggling and you may never even notice. What are your signs? How do you find light when stress is building? What is your self-care routine?

May we all know who to reach out to when we need a hand getting back to the light. May we monitor our thoughts and fight the darkness. And may we all know we are loved no matter what. Have a beautiful day!

​(But if you are not having a beautiful day, reach out to me or someone.)

I am no stranger to monkey-mind, that chaotic mental chatter that goes on inside. For a few years I had a pretty good handle on it because I meditated several times a day. Then I had kids... 

It's interesting that probably the time meditation is needed most is when you have little ones around, keeping patience as you explain for the fourteenth time today why they cannot use sharpies instead of their washable markers. 

For me, personally, the mental chatter is worse as a mom anyway. I'm sure a good portion of it is lack of adequate sleep. Yet there is a plenty of mom guilt (self-inflicted) with an added layer of mom-shaming from supposedly supportive facebook groups and outsiders. The combination of the two has been known to draw some tears from my tender heart and today was one of those days.

Interestingly thirty minutes after I got mom-shamed I got an email from someone saying what an amazing mom I was, completely out of nowhere. We all make mistakes but we also have our strengths and our successes. It is harder for me to mentally balance and recognize both sides when I am tired so I did my best to reflect on concrete moments. 

This weekend was full of moments of my older daughter asking for special mommy time. She was in need of some extra love and attention. Happily I was able to give it to her most of the times when she asked. This special time included going for a nature walk. As we explored the trail we found some acorns and set a buffet on a log "table" for the nearby squirrels. We watched the creek flowing and we ran along the top of the dam. We also had some yoga time and chose a new focus word for the week, "patience". 

I got several moments of time with my little one too, enjoying her laughter and smiles. 

There were moments I could see where I could have done "better". There were things I could see I needed to shift tactics to get out of a rut with my headstrong preschooler. But overall, I am a good mom. 

I'm grateful to recognize the mental chatter and its link to exhaustion. I'm grateful for a loving husband to bring me back when I take others' words to heart. I'm grateful to know that my girls think I am a good mom. I'm grateful to know I am doing my best even if that looks different day to day. I'm grateful to see when I can make shifts and changes and where I feel I am on the right track. I'm grateful for the beautiful email tonight that was so kind and up-lifting. I'm grateful for the special time with my girls and especially to get outdoors in nature. I'm grateful to see the need to make more time this week for mediation and me time as the mental chatter grows.

How do you recognize when the mental chatter is getting too loud? What does your monkey mind try to tell you? How do you redirect when the chatter goes negative?

May today be filled with supportive and loving dialogue. May we move towards where we want to be while giving ourselves grace in the moments we feel we fell short. Have a beautiful day!

On my way home from work tonight I decided I needed to do a gratitude challenge tonight. It is a good way for me to overload myself with the beauty of my life. In overloading myself with the positive it leaves little room to focus on what may not be going as perfectly.

I have seen how the shadows help me to appreciate the sunshine. And I have a respect and appreciation for the shadows in and of themselves. Tonight I needed to bathe in some self-made light.

When I arrived home my eldest daughter asked me to read her a book. I said yes. She asked me to read her another and I said yes. She asked me to lay with her in her bed for a few minutes and so I did. 

I watched my youngest daughter as she nursed before bed. I watched as her eyes explored every thread of my shirt and her fingers traced it gently. I smiled at the intensity of her eyes and the cute way her tongue sticks out of her mouth as she explores everything. 

I listened to my husband chat with our oldest daughter, patiently. He is such a great dad. I thought about how he had texted me throughout the day because he knew I had a rough morning. He is such a great husband and person. And I'm excited to nerd it up as we plan his birthday party. 

I'm grateful for all these beautiful moments and so much more. I'm grateful how just being present can make the abundance of gratitude flow. I'm grateful to satisfy with challenge without it being a challenge at all. I'm grateful for my girls' blue eyes. I'm grateful for my oldest's precocious nature and love of reading. I'm grateful for all the questions she thinks to ask and the insight into the inner workings of her mind. I'm grateful to get to see the world new and fresh again through my baby's eyes. I'm grateful for the beautiful bonding time we get during feedings. I'm grateful to just hold her and be in this fleeting moment of her being so small. I'm grateful for my husband for a million reasons but mostly for his huge heart. I'm grateful for his protective and supportive nature. And I'm grateful for his inner nerd. I'm grateful for this life. I'm grateful for the shadows and I'm grateful to know I have only to look as far as the current moment to find the light.

What are you grateful for? Can you find ten gratitudes in five minutes or less? What brings you light?

​May today be lived in the moment. May we seek to find the beauty that is always right in front of us. May we tell the ones we love how much they mean to us. Have a beautiful day!

It's easy to say, "I want to be happier," but what does that mean? I set a theme for myself this year to make a Commitment to Creating Positivity. I have felt the energy of our household has not been as positive as it could be as my preschooler navigates frustration and tests the limits of how to express it safely. I also have felt the strain between being yelled at by a child repeatedly and the pull of seasonal gloom. 

The stress of trying to remain chipper and beating myself up when I am not is having the opposite effect than my themed intention. The pull of "should" is counterproductive. On Saturday I was blessed with a day of snow and ice, effectively canceling anything I needed to do outside the home. It took it out of my hands and allowed me to take some much needed time home with my family. 

It also made me realize that part of Creating Positivity is observing, acknowledging, and feeling all my feelings. Today I took time to feel each feeling as it came up. I took a breath and asked myself "what is coming up?" Why am I allowing myself to take it personally as my daughter practices using her voice to express her heavier feelings? In getting caught up in my own emotion, I am less able to help her work through her own. But the funny part is that I get caught in my own when I am denying my own. When I simply allow that it doesn't feel good and breathe into it, it also helps me breathe into the depth of her feelings and embrace both. 

My intention is not "to be happier". I have a beautiful life and I am very grateful. That does not mean I only experience positive emotions. Having feelings of sadness does not mean I am less grateful or love my life less. It simply means the experience is authentic to me. My emotions help me navigate my internal dialog and help me grow. So today I let go of the idea that Creating Positivity means always having a smile on my face. And in that reevaluation and release I find a new level of positivity in self-acceptance.

I'm grateful to remind myself I am human. I'm grateful to give myself permission to feel all my feelings. I'm grateful for the compass my feelings provide. I'm grateful to love my life. I'm grateful to observe and reevaluate. I'm grateful to take time to breathe into my feelings today and to find ways to try and help my daughter with hers. I'm grateful for this crazy, sometimes challenging, adventure called parenthood. I'm grateful to have a beautiful family with a mix of personalities that keep life interesting and help me grow. I'm grateful for a year ahead and practicing creating positivity authentically.

What are your intentions for the year, month, day, week, or even just today? What emotions have you been feeling and how do they help you navigate?

May today allow our feelings to communicate to us. May we embrace all that comes up and find beauty in the process. Have a beautiful day!