I pushed myself to get up too early and work out while having a fussy little one join me because she couldn't sleep. I pushed myself to be silly and playful when I just wanted to sit. I pushed my body to its limit fasting because I had a blood draw today. And then I pushed myself some more when my body just wanted to crash.
There were plenty of beautiful moments today. But it really should not come as a surprise that I wiped out hard on my goal to do things better. I lost my temper with my kids, which always breaks my heart. I broke down in tears multiple times throughout the morning.
I was so focused on pushing myself to have a better day that I forgot to just listen to what I actually needed to make that possible. So now I get to pick up the pieces of my crash. I get to find space to forgive myself as well as asking forgiveness from my children. I get to walk that harder lesson on listening to what I actually need and trying to turn this day back around.
I am human. It is sometimes hard to admit. I am a gratitude coach. But I am also a person who is working through trauma, PTSD, and occasional depression. I struggle with anxiety and with guilt. Gratitude does not make the world a magical place of no pain or struggle. It takes the real life things we are experiencing and helps us find a little piece of light. It helps us find the good so we can keep moving forward.
Each day I write this blog it is in the hopes that someone who is struggling can get a small glimpse of light. It is the hope that someone out there will be encouraged to find gratitude in their day and that maybe it will help them in times of challenge. This blog is not my gratitude practice. My gratitude practice is the same as what I recommend to everyone else. I wake up and write four things I am grateful for that are truly from the heart. They are different every day. Before I go to bed I write down the best thing that happened that day and at least four more things I am grateful for about that day. When sh!t goes sideways I try to pause and remember there is a lesson in it and find gratitude for something, anything. And when I crash and burn and fall into dysregulation and funk, I use these same practices to pull myself back up.
I'm grateful to question why I chose to push myself rather than let myself be. I'm grateful to ponder that and let the judgment fall away. I'm grateful to see where I can grow from this moment. I'm grateful to take a long pause and just let the tears flow unhindered. I'm grateful to be able to tell my kids I messed up and ask for their forgiveness. I'm grateful to be raw and honest with you so there can be no pedestal, no pressure, just gratitude practice. I'm grateful to hold the hope and belief that this honesty makes a difference. I'm grateful to believe gratitude is powerful.
When have you had a wipe out? How do you rebuild? What practices help you learn and move forward?
May we always keep learning and growing. May we find forgiveness for our stumbles and gratitude in every turn. Have a beautiful day!