Amid the escalating and constantly changing situation outside it was nice to finally get some clarity for myself. I will admit that I have let my anxiety control me for several days. I've felt wishy-washy on what to do and how to respond, hoping someone would make the hard decisions for me.

Last night I could not sleep between a baby that was wide awake most the night and my own anxiety running rampant through my thoughts. I tried to sleep in this morning but as soon as my sleep had a minor interruption it was no use. Even a guided meditation could not derail and reboot my thoughts. 

We decided to go ahead and celebrate my mom's birthday. Being around my family helped tremendously. There was a lot of talk about what is happening with Covid-19 but also some good laughs and distractions. It was nice to see them and allow things to feel a little bit "normal" again as we enjoyed family lunch.

After leaving I felt more clear in what directions and steps I would take. I started by making a mental list of all unnecessary risks that I could easily spare my family. I then composed a message to my clients setting clear boundaries and reminding them to think of the community in making their own decisions. It got a very positive response which gave me more reassurance that I was not the only one seeking some direction and initiative. 

I'm grateful to step up. I'm grateful to stop looking to everyone else to tell me what to do and do what makes sense for me and my family. I'm grateful to mentally preparing the next steps in my head. I'm grateful to be finding my voice and my path amidst the uncertainty. I'm grateful for laughs shared with family as well as good sounding board chats. I'm grateful to get other perspectives to take into account. I'm grateful to follow what feels good to my heart and know that it will help my mental state as well as my sleep.

What is right for you? What precautions would help you feel confident and secure? How can you take the steps you need to find your inner peace and calm amidst this "storm"? 

May today remind us to think not only of our loved ones but those in our community. May we make the decisions we feel are right for the greater good and for our own peace of mind. Have a beautiful day!

There has been a lot of talk lately about catching bad stuff. The Covid-19 (Coronavirus) has reached my area and there is a lot of stories about how to not catch it and how many people have already caught it. At home, with my girls sick there has been plenty of "wash your hands so no one else catches it" talks. 

Yet there are plenty of things that I WANT to catch and today I have even had the opportunity to catch a few of these. I feel like that is a good thing to celebrate since some of these are tough on a regular day, let alone with the added duties of sick kiddos. 

Today I caught a quick, hot shower. I caught up on some laundry. I caught a cute little girl being ornery as she goes in and out of feeling like herself again. I caught a couple laughs at the hilarious commentary of a preschooler. I caught a glimpse of my husband (who is working from home today). I caught my breath and even rested my eyes a bit. I caught a few extra zzz's this morning sleeping on the nursery floor again. I caught a diaper just before blow out and saved an outfit. And I caught up on some much needed dog snuggles (well, maybe I could use a few more...). 

I'm grateful for all I've caught today. I'm grateful for hot water (and soap) and plenty of food packed with vitamin C and other nutrition. I'm grateful my girls have rounded the corner and are beginning to feel like themselves again. I'm grateful they are still catching up on sleep and letting their bodies rest. I'm grateful to stay home another day from our normal routine to give them more time. I'm grateful to still be feeling healthy and even somewhat rested. I'm grateful for my dog's patience at our busy schedules. I'm grateful to catch the things I want and let the rest pass by. 

What have you caught today? What will you choose to try to catch?

May today allow us to stay healthy. May we focus on what we want and not what we don't. Have a beautiful day!

Today was a rough, dark day for me. I hit a low and felt those familiar fingers of depression pulling at my thoughts.

The current stage my oldest daughter is going through is really taking a toll on me. It's just a stage. Everything is just a stage at this point. And yet days and weeks of being yelled at, hit, and called names have worn me. The constant boundary pushing has drained me. Her assertion that I am a terrible mom drove the nail home today.

My response was that I was sorry she felt that way because I loved her very much. After leaving her room and retreating to the safety of the basement I allowed a private tirade followed by complete sobbing mess. 

My family always called me Tender Heart growing up. I may have aged but my skin is only slightly thicker. 

I know my daughter loves me. I know this will pass and I hope I weather it with enough grace that we have an even stronger relationship coming out the other side. But in the meantime I need to seek the light to keep me out of that darkness. For me, the best way to do that is to focus on gratitude, seek laughter, and collect as many hugs as possible.

I'm grateful for my husband that takes a "shift" with the girls while I go to work. I'm grateful to have a job that takes me away for just a short while. I'm grateful for kind clients. I'm grateful to have a job that lends itself to self-reflection. I'm grateful for my mom. I'm grateful for my amazing network of friends and family that have my back when I need to vent and can reassure me it is truly just a phase. I'm grateful for baby snuggles. I'm grateful for some time to just sit in silence.

Depression and stress do not look one way. Anyone could be struggling and you may never even notice. What are your signs? How do you find light when stress is building? What is your self-care routine?

May we all know who to reach out to when we need a hand getting back to the light. May we monitor our thoughts and fight the darkness. And may we all know we are loved no matter what. Have a beautiful day!

​(But if you are not having a beautiful day, reach out to me or someone.)

My number one stressor (and trigger) is feeling like I don't have enough time. I do not like to be late. I do not like to even be on time. I like to be early so I can pull up and take a few moments to gather myself in the car before I enter wherever I am going. 

So God gave me a dawdler. Nothing makes you face your triggers and shadows like a child that just radiates them. 

The thing is, when my oldest was little, we had no where we really NEEDED to be. I had people comment all the time how sweet it was that I let my daughter, not even two years old, push the cart at half past crawl speed through the store. But back then we had all morning to get done the one or maybe two errands we had to do. 

These days there is preschool to attend and swim lessons and on her days "off" she gets upset if we don't get to go to story time or a playdate. Yet the simple act of putting shoes on would make me think she doesn't want to ever leave the house at all. I've even tested it. I thought maybe she says she wants to go but she would really rather just relax at home. So I didn't push it. I asked her to put her shoes on so we could go and after about ten minutes I walked away from the door and her empty shoes and went about my day. About two hours later she asked when we were going to story time and I told her we had stayed home instead. Whoa! Meltdown city. 

I have tried to cut back on things we do, especially it we don't have to do them. I've even tested out the grocery pick-up to allow one less thing on the schedule. Somehow things still seem to be moving too fast. 

My preschooler told me today, "I like it when you go to work. I like hanging out with Daddy. He doesn't rush me." I can't blame her. Even with trying to make it a game, I bet I can get my shoes on before you can or first one to get their shoes on gets to give the dog an extra treat; it is still a push to get done fast. 

I only work a few hours in the evening for the most part which means during "Daddy's time" they don't leave the house. It is dinner and playtime. That's it. And while we get some special mom daughter play time while the baby naps it is after a morning of me rushing her around to get her to school or wherever on time.

After her comment today I had to ask myself, "why AM I rushing?" I mean honestly, why can't I slow down? Yeah she may be bummed if we miss story time but we would both get time to unwind. And it sounds like I'm not the only one needing that time to just hang out together. 

This comes at the perfect time. School is out tomorrow. Other than groceries we have nothing to do Wednesday either. And just making this plan in my mind already has me feeling better.

I'm grateful to recognize my triggers. I'm grateful to do my best to keep it fun and playful for my daughter amidst the dawdling. I'm grateful to mostly get us places on time. I'm grateful for a week to relax and slow down. I'm grateful to hear her communicate that same need. I'm grateful she has such a good time to wind down with her daddy. I'm grateful for my beautiful life.

What are your triggers? Where does your life need to slow down?

May your day have enough time for enjoyment. May you slow down where needed and enjoy the ride. Have a beautiful day!

It's easy to say, "I want to be happier," but what does that mean? I set a theme for myself this year to make a Commitment to Creating Positivity. I have felt the energy of our household has not been as positive as it could be as my preschooler navigates frustration and tests the limits of how to express it safely. I also have felt the strain between being yelled at by a child repeatedly and the pull of seasonal gloom. 

The stress of trying to remain chipper and beating myself up when I am not is having the opposite effect than my themed intention. The pull of "should" is counterproductive. On Saturday I was blessed with a day of snow and ice, effectively canceling anything I needed to do outside the home. It took it out of my hands and allowed me to take some much needed time home with my family. 

It also made me realize that part of Creating Positivity is observing, acknowledging, and feeling all my feelings. Today I took time to feel each feeling as it came up. I took a breath and asked myself "what is coming up?" Why am I allowing myself to take it personally as my daughter practices using her voice to express her heavier feelings? In getting caught up in my own emotion, I am less able to help her work through her own. But the funny part is that I get caught in my own when I am denying my own. When I simply allow that it doesn't feel good and breathe into it, it also helps me breathe into the depth of her feelings and embrace both. 

My intention is not "to be happier". I have a beautiful life and I am very grateful. That does not mean I only experience positive emotions. Having feelings of sadness does not mean I am less grateful or love my life less. It simply means the experience is authentic to me. My emotions help me navigate my internal dialog and help me grow. So today I let go of the idea that Creating Positivity means always having a smile on my face. And in that reevaluation and release I find a new level of positivity in self-acceptance.

I'm grateful to remind myself I am human. I'm grateful to give myself permission to feel all my feelings. I'm grateful for the compass my feelings provide. I'm grateful to love my life. I'm grateful to observe and reevaluate. I'm grateful to take time to breathe into my feelings today and to find ways to try and help my daughter with hers. I'm grateful for this crazy, sometimes challenging, adventure called parenthood. I'm grateful to have a beautiful family with a mix of personalities that keep life interesting and help me grow. I'm grateful for a year ahead and practicing creating positivity authentically.

What are your intentions for the year, month, day, week, or even just today? What emotions have you been feeling and how do they help you navigate?

May today allow our feelings to communicate to us. May we embrace all that comes up and find beauty in the process. Have a beautiful day!

Well tonight is New Year's Eve. It feels a little surreal because there is not the usual mingling of friends and food or games being played. There will be no countdown at midnight although I have lived in this neighborhood long enough to know I will wake at midnight to the neighbor's fireworks. 

Why is this year so different? First, I am still taking extra care to try to kick this congestion bug. Second, the evening was spent packing and trying to prep for a trip that got moved up by a full day. 

I started making changes for the new year a couple weeks ago. Today I was faced with my first test to my new goals and much to my disappointment I did not hold up to the standards and goals I had set. My initial reaction was being hard on myself and thoroughly bummed. But this reaction in and of itself is part of the changes I am trying to make for the new year. 

Instead I am using this test as a practice run. It showed me where I need to "break down" my goals a little further to help myself succeed and create a new habit.

Stepping into tomorrow may be a new year and new goals but it is part of the same, ever-changing story. Each little step I take is moulding a new me for the future. As part of this, I am choosing self-care tonight and getting some sleep. There will be plenty of celebrations in the days to come.

I'm grateful for a practice test. I'm grateful to have fallen on my face and observed the feelings and reactions it brought. I'm grateful to see how my goals need tweaked and shifted to make the changes I want to see. I'm grateful to allow myself to feel all my feelings and to have a wonderful husband to talk it out with as I process. I'm grateful for ideals and lofty goals but I'm more grateful to respect and honor my humanness and take it one baby step at a time. I'm grateful for a new year and many new adventures.

What goals and changes do you want to make? How do you set yourself up for success? How to you process the missteps?

May today remind us to proceed with grace. May we see the beauty in our success and stumbles as we navigate the year to come. Have a beautiful day!

When the wheels of the mind get turning, sometimes I struggle to turn it back off. Tonight I found myself juggling four "plates" while simultaneously sorting through several mind puzzles at the same time. 

Between empathy overload and logistical chaos it was hard to stay present. Ok, let me be honest, there was no staying present. My mind was racing and in sync my anxiety kicked into high gear. 

I returned home to a list of demands that all needed instant attention and I said "I've got this." Did I? No. It was a good reminder for me to remember to ask for help when I need it. This lesson has always been a struggle for me so the reminder is nothing new.

The result of not reigning it all in was failure. I failed to stay present. I failed to ask for help. I failed to connect to my preschooler the way I wanted to before bed and instead only found more frustration and anxiety as she went to bed in tears.

It would be easy right now to go down the road of guilt and self-flogging (mentally). I will admit that I am great at both these things and partake more often than I would like to admit. Just last night my husband and I were discussing the idea of failure and my high standards for myself. It was a great conversation to lead up to today because it was a great reminder to give myself grace.

Failure is, ninety-nine percent of the time, in the eyes of the beholder and not a permanent crash. Most of the time we can shift the failure and turn ir back around at some point. In this case by my own awareness and taking the self-care steps needed to start tomorrow off better.

I'm grateful for the reminder of grace. I'm grateful to hold a high level of compassion and empathy. I'm grateful to recognize when I am letting those positive traits overpower me and start to take a negative toll. I'm grateful to love my children so much that I strive to do right by them and hold myself to high standards. I'm also grateful to know they do not hold me to those same standards and love me despite my perceived failures. I'm grateful to know I can juggle what needs juggled and that it is also ok to not juggle everything. I'm grateful to prioritize and take a step back. I'm grateful to have had so much time to play with my girls today even though it came at the expense of the house not getting cleaned. I'm grateful to get to kiss my girls goodnight.

What constitutes failure in your eyes? How do you reset and try again? How do you reframe?

​May today remind us we're human. May we give ourselves grace and move forward. Have a beautiful day!

I have been in need of fresh air lately. I always enjoy being outdoors but with Winter just around the corner I have really been making a push to spend time outside. For the most part the weather has been cooperating with me.

Last Friday I took my daughters to the zoo. It was our first time to go to the zoo not as a whole family or even with a group of friends. It turned out perfectly. It was so nice just getting to focus on my girls and the zoo was practically empty of other visitors. We ended up walking around and exploring for over four hours.

Today we skipped story time at the library and stopped at one of my favorite parks instead. When I told my daughter time was up on the playground she was happy to hear we were not going home. Instead we did a nature walk down the path, pausing and listening to the rustling leaves and watching as squirrels played. We only made it an hour because of the cooler temperatures and the need for lunch but it was satisfying all the same.

I love taking time to listen to my own needs. Often times I find my preschooler gets as much if not more from these activities than I do despite doing it for myself. It really is true that taking care of myself nourishes my whole family. And I am a "better" version of myself when I take this time.

I'm grateful for the weather having some warmer days still that allow me to play outside. I'm grateful for a wonderful day at the zoo. I'm grateful to feel calmer from the time spent outside. I'm grateful for our nature walk today and the way my daughter focused and quieted when we searched for what was in the leaves. I'm grateful for her reminder to just be quiet and listen. I'm grateful for parks that have both fun playgrounds and long nature trails. I'm grateful to see how much my daughter loved our outing and the way it reinforces taking more time like this. I'm grateful to just breathe some fresh air and find my center.

What helps you find your center? When was the last time you took a stroll in nature and really listened?

May today grant us the peace that only nature provides. May we remember to nourish our hearts and souls. May we be blessed to have loved ones who enjoy the same. Have a beautiful day!

On my way home from work tonight a series of songs had me reminiscing about loved ones that have passed away. One song in particular had me contemplating what I would do with one more day with each of these people that made an impact in my life.

My grandpa, for example, was very into natural remedies. I frequently find myself wishing I had his input on different health issues that pop up. Yet as I imagined one more day with him it wasn't advice I would spend the time asking. Rather I would want him to know how important he was to me and key memories I have of him. I would ask him more about his childhood and especially about his courting shenanigans to win over my grandma because I always loved listening to his ornery stories. And I loved the way his face lit up when talking about my grandma and how he won her over. 

For my uncle I would tell him all the things I never said. Thank you for always remembering me on my birthday, on mother's day, and when you came across a gratitude article. Thank you for always putting a gratitude note in the pot on Thanksgiving. Thank you for always being there for my aunt and cousins. I would take the time to get to know him more since he came into my life much later than my other aunts and uncles.

If I could have one more day with my soul sister I would ask her if she is free from her pain now. I would ask her about her beliefs and how her past impacted her. But mostly I think I would just want to go sit with her in a butterfly house and just be in the spirit of our connection.

I'm grateful for these people and so many others that made an impact in my life. I'm grateful to have been so blessed to have known them. I'm grateful for all the time I did get with them and I'm grateful to imagine how I would spend one more day. I'm grateful to have gotten a chance to tell them at least some of how much I appreciated and love them. I'm grateful to remember them in their best moments.

Who would you like to see for one more day? What would you spend that day doing? What would you tell them?

May today remind us to tell the ones we love how important they are while they're here. Have a beautiful day!

It is no secret that I am an introvert. I enjoy spending time with people but prefer low key social activities with close friends. I love to travel and to see family as well. But I can find my energy taxed easier than I would sometimes like and I have to pull back in order to recharge.

This weekend we were fortunate enough to travel to see family and celebrate a special birthday. I am so happy we were able to do this and see family we don't see very often. It was a great celebration. I enjoyed lots of laughter and conversation. I got a wonderful, long evening walk full of Autumn leaves and deer. And I even got to play a couple rounds of a game I love but rarely get to enjoy these days. 

My kids did great with the trip, all things considered. There were a few "ahhhh" moments but mostly it was great. It was reassuring to know we can make more trips like this and get the girls used to travel while having fun family encounters.

The weekend was full of "ups" but with that, for me, comes some subsequent "downs". There were moments the energy and noise seemed to overcome me and even a few "pity party" moments when I wished I could be like "other" people. There was so physical energy depletion as a consequence of cramming a trip into such few hours and being the comfort source of my baby all night after she herself got too overwhelmed by it all. 

Returning home I finally allowed myself to feel the full crash. Hopefully a quiet evening followed by an extended night of sleep will help process and release the excess. But even as I say this the baby stirs on the monitor and I know the night may not be mine at all.

The "ups" and "downs" are nothing new for me. It is a good reminder for self-care and a good reminder to pay close attention to my energy and needs when traveling. It is also insightful to watch my children and be able to see their own reactions and needs in such different energies.

I'm grateful we went on this trip. I'm grateful to see family. I'm grateful for a beautiful evening walk. I'm grateful to recognize comparisons and judgments and work to counterbalance them. I'm grateful to know I am doing my best and that there is nothing "wrong" with me. I'm grateful for the reminder to take care of myself. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful to get to give these experiences to my girls and observe their reactions. I'm grateful for the "ups" and yes, even the "downs". 

What affects your energy levels? What things send you out of balance? How do you respond to correct and rebalance?

May today help us be aware of our energy. May we do the things we love while still taking care of ourselves. Hae a beautiful day!