For those of you that missed my posts back around Halloween, my oldest daughter went as Moana and I went as Tafiti (the volcano to which Moana restores the heart). I had posted how fitting it was because my rainbow baby (my oldest) fills my heart with such love. 

Now fast forward to the tough phase we have been going through the last many weeks. It has been challenging but through it all I have done my best to let her know I love her no matter what. 

We stayed home today. It was much needed, both because there was so much I needed to get done and because we all just needed a day without rushing to get ready and running six different places.  

We cooked the snack for my daughter to take to school tomorrow. We made cupcakes for my husband's party. I cleaned and did several loads of laundry. But most important of all was taking time to play with my girls. 

The beauty of staying home is that I have two baby nap times to juggle all that needs done instead of just one. Even with her struggling at the afternoon nap today I still managed. Afternoon nap for baby means one on one time with my oldest. 

As usual we went downstairs so we wouldn't have to be quite as quiet. We played around with a mini obstacle course and got some energy out, we colored, and we did my oldest's new favorite thing, we had a tea party! 

At the end of the night I asked her what her favorite thing was that we did today. She couldn't decide and asked me what my favorite thing was. I loved hearing her laugh as we played tickle fight and our one on one time but I had to be honest. Lying there in her bed with her snuggled up in my arms, feeling connected to her in a positive way, all I could say was, "This." I felt a little choked up. This moment, holding my first baby girl, being snuggled and knowing how fleeting this time is..."this". So much this!

I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful to be honest. I'm grateful to get to hold her and snuggle her and feel connected. I'm grateful for a smooth-er day. I'm grateful for all the time we got to spend together. I'm grateful she is a great helper. I'm grateful to have so much love for her and to get to express it. I'm grateful for a productive day in so many ways. I'm grateful to get some one on one time with the baby too. I'm grateful for her sweet laugh and all the sounds she is making. I'm grateful to get to be home with her to witness all the mini-milestones getting us closer to those big (moving) milestones...and I'm grateful she isn't moving quite yet.

What is your "this"? What fills your heart and makes your day shine?

May our day be filled more with the "this" and less with everything else. May we take time to acknowledge and bask in our "this". Have a beautiful day!

Despite very little sleep last night I woke determined to have a great day. That determination started with taking five minutes of "me time" before even getting out of bed.

I made an extra effort to be silly and playful with my oldest. I made every effort to get the to do list done while still focusing and spending time with each child. And I felt the beauty of love all around me.

My oldest responded well to my playful attitude and for the most part responded in loving, playful ways in return. My baby began saying one of the most beautiful sounds, "mamamamama." I got to hear laughter, both my own and my girls'. I got to share a great day.

I'm grateful for a new dawn to pick myself up and move forward. I'm grateful to have a beautiful day. I'm grateful to hear the house fill with laughter. I'm grateful to play and let my own spirit be rejuvenated in that play. I'm grateful to hear the beautiful sound of "mama" in my daughter's babbles. I'm grateful to watch my girls growing each day. I'm grateful to have had a more mellow temperament day with my oldest and to find every opportunity to reconnect. I'm grateful for a fresh start.

What rejuvenates you? How do you wake with the intent to create a new dawn? 

May today have our determination in the best of ways. May we move through the day with love. Have a beautiful day!

Today was a rough, dark day for me. I hit a low and felt those familiar fingers of depression pulling at my thoughts.

The current stage my oldest daughter is going through is really taking a toll on me. It's just a stage. Everything is just a stage at this point. And yet days and weeks of being yelled at, hit, and called names have worn me. The constant boundary pushing has drained me. Her assertion that I am a terrible mom drove the nail home today.

My response was that I was sorry she felt that way because I loved her very much. After leaving her room and retreating to the safety of the basement I allowed a private tirade followed by complete sobbing mess. 

My family always called me Tender Heart growing up. I may have aged but my skin is only slightly thicker. 

I know my daughter loves me. I know this will pass and I hope I weather it with enough grace that we have an even stronger relationship coming out the other side. But in the meantime I need to seek the light to keep me out of that darkness. For me, the best way to do that is to focus on gratitude, seek laughter, and collect as many hugs as possible.

I'm grateful for my husband that takes a "shift" with the girls while I go to work. I'm grateful to have a job that takes me away for just a short while. I'm grateful for kind clients. I'm grateful to have a job that lends itself to self-reflection. I'm grateful for my mom. I'm grateful for my amazing network of friends and family that have my back when I need to vent and can reassure me it is truly just a phase. I'm grateful for baby snuggles. I'm grateful for some time to just sit in silence.

Depression and stress do not look one way. Anyone could be struggling and you may never even notice. What are your signs? How do you find light when stress is building? What is your self-care routine?

May we all know who to reach out to when we need a hand getting back to the light. May we monitor our thoughts and fight the darkness. And may we all know we are loved no matter what. Have a beautiful day!

​(But if you are not having a beautiful day, reach out to me or someone.)

The other night I was helping my older daughter learn how to do a maze. I had her trace with her finger each route before selecting it with the pencil so she could see dead-ends versus the open path. 

It was going well until I noticed the only path forward was doubling back on itself. I don't mean winding deeper into the puzzle, but actually doubling back on itself. There was no way out. 

I thought I had made a mistake so I tried working backwards from the finish. It was all dead ends. The puzzle could not be completed. 

Perhaps it was lack of sleep or perhaps it struck a cord somewhere deep within me symbolically, either way I found this hilarious. I could not stop laughing as I showed it to my husband.

My daughter, who is very intelligent and needs things to work the way they are supposed to, was not amused. She was very upset that she could not finish it. Yet she was perfectly content with my explanation that she just needed to choose which dead end to "jump" to get to the finish.

We like tidy paths in life. We like to "win". We like things to be predictable, at least when it comes to the big expectations. But that isn't always how real life works. In real life sometimes we have to jump a couple dead ends. We have to be willing to make the best out of what we have and carve the path when one isn't available for where we are trying to go. 

I'm grateful for this maze. I'm grateful for the humor it struck in me. I'm grateful for the symbolism it gave me. I'm grateful to have fun activities like this with my daughter so she can experience what to do when the expectation is broken. I'm grateful for learning opportunities for me. I'm grateful to know my path is still movign forward even as it sometimes feels it is doubling back on itself. I'm grateful to be enjoying the journey.

What are you navigating? How do you expect it to finish? What will you do to get to that finish line?

May today provide determination with a splash of humor. May we recognize when we need to bend and follow the path and when we need to jump the "wall". Have a beautiful day!

My preschooler has been a little more spice than sugar lately. In fact, my husband and I are about at our wits ends with the nasty attitude and tantrums. I keep telling myself it is a phase but boy I hope we find a way to help it pass a little quicker.

Today was my daughter's Valentine's Party at school. It had been rescheduled due to a snow day and then another day off school. As with most school parties, there was no shortage of sugar.

If only it was that easy to change attitude by just giving a little sugar. It got me thinking; what ways can I add "sugar" to my responses? How can I stay sweet with the steady barrage of cranky being thrown at me? 

Step One: Self-care. Self-care is key to me being in my best frame of mind and not sliding into matching hers.

Step Two: Responding calmly and positively.

Step Three: Visuals. I mean, the kid is three, so visuals are going to go further than a lecture any day.

I had her help me get creative. I asked her what kind of road she wanted and she said zig-zag. I drew a zig-zag road on a piece of paper. I drew a big, happy star at the end. Then I let her decorate it with stickers and colored pencils (which are way more exciting to my three year old than crayons). I didn't tell her what it was.

As she decorated it I got another piece of paper and wrote up a little rhyme about good choices being easy to make and using kind words and safe hands feeling great. I drew some symbols on it like hands with hearts and nice big ears and lips with hearts coming out. When she finished decorating I read her the rhyme and we talked about what choices kind and caring. 

I slid her decorated road into a plastic sleeve. Then I asked her if she could hand me a colored pencil. She did and I put it in the box. I said, "You just make a good choice! I asked for something and you gave it to me gently!" I drew a star in dry erase marker on her road. She was intrigued. 

The next ten minutes we added 3 more stars. One was for finding a piece of trash and throwing it away without being asked. One was for picking nap books without any crabbiness. And one was for remembering to say thank you. 

I don't know how long this will work. Token charts burn out as they lose their lustre, especially for my daughter who is highly intelligent and incredibly strong-willed. But it made for several nice, positive interactions this afternoon and that is a good start. Perhaps breaking the cycle will be enough to bring my happy-go-lucky, sweet kid back. Either way it added a little sugar to my day.

I'm grateful to get creative. I'm grateful to not give up and keep trying ways to get us through this phase in a positive way. I'm grateful to do my best to keep calm and keep up my self-care. I'm grateful to recognize even with self-care I am still tired and make sure to take an extra breath or two. I'm grateful to know this beautiful girl that tests the limits and is persistently reaching for power and independence will go far as an adult. I'm grateful to do my best to nurture her even as she is so very different from my own personality. I'm grateful for a little sugar today and a sweet hug to send me off to work.

What needs a little more sugar in your life? What steps would get you there?

May today open our creative hearts. May we find solutions to sweeten our lives in the best of ways. Have a beautiful day!

I just love the sound of laughter. I mean, I don't know anyone who would say they didn't. When that laughter is coming from my girls while they play with each other it is a whole different level of joy for me. My "cup" fills right up!

This morning we got to take things slow. We did our own form of story time that I have done with my oldest since she was a baby. We sang songs and read books. I encouraged my oldest to "teach" her little sister some songs she loves. Head and Shoulders was a must, with the second verse I made up when my oldest was a baby. 

It was a fun day! It wasn't movie "perfect". There were moments of not listening or baby wailing because sister wasn't being kind. But it was OUR perfect, that messy, sometimes annoying, whoops what time is it kind of perfect where we just get to have a regular day together.

I'm grateful for another day to get ready slow. I'm grateful, so grateful, for a day to play with my girls and be present. I'm grateful for a day to be silly. I'm grateful to listen to the giggles as they played together. I'm grateful for my cup overflowing at such a beautiful sound. I'm grateful to give my oldest some one on one time today while the baby took a nap. I'm grateful to stay connected to her even as we navigate a challenging stage of testing boundaries and expressing (loudly) her independence. I'm grateful to even get a few moments alone with the baby to just watch her sweet face and see her smile.

What fills your cup? What sound makes you joyful? 

May today be filled with joyful sounds. May the day be blessed with moments that fill your cup. May we all be present in the moment to witness these blessings. Have a beautiful day!

Today I had to ask myself, "who is really in charge of this crazy train?" Yesterday I committed to myself to have a day at home today to just chill and play with my kids. Yet this morning I undermined it right off the bat.

"How about we just stay home and play and read and have fun today instead of going to story time?" I said to my older daughter. I brought it up because yesterday morning I had told her we were going to story time and I didn't want her to be sad to miss it without having a say. I talked up staying at home and offered all kinds of fun things we could do. But my preschooler loves books above all else and she was not having it. So we went.

The result was my anxiety was up and my patience was low. And yet I had no one to blame but myself because I let a three and a half year old be in charge of our day. The baby missed her morning nap and wasn't happy either. 

Now, we did have fun at story time. We did get to take our time getting around as story time starts ninety minutes later than if it had been a school day. And my preschooler was so excited about story time there was little to no dawdling and she even picked out her clothes and dressed herself without being asked. 

So don't get me wrong, it was a fun day. We even had some time after lunch to do an obstacle course, color, read books and my oldest and I got some special time as the baby went down for her nap a little early. It was good bonding time and the baby did get to have some fun too. (She enjoys people watching at story time.)

Tomorrow was supposed to be a day of getting groceries and errands. I'm still deciding if I will do that or if I will cram it into a different day and have a stay home and recharge day tomorrow. The main thing is making sure I am the one that decides. I am the adult and despite what my daughter may believe, I do know what is best for all of us.

I'm grateful we had a fun day even going out. I'm grateful story time went smoothly despite no nap for the baby. I'm grateful for some quality time with my girls and some special time with my oldest. I'm grateful to recognize the silliness of giving my child control over our day when I have already committed to myself what I need to do to maintain balance. I'm grateful to have the flexibility to re-evaluate how the rest of the week will look and put myself in charge of deciding.

Who is in charge of your life? Who makes your decisions? And how to you choose to respond?

May today put us in charge. May we recognize where we can give some decisions away and where we need to stand our ground. Have a beautiful day!

My number one stressor (and trigger) is feeling like I don't have enough time. I do not like to be late. I do not like to even be on time. I like to be early so I can pull up and take a few moments to gather myself in the car before I enter wherever I am going. 

So God gave me a dawdler. Nothing makes you face your triggers and shadows like a child that just radiates them. 

The thing is, when my oldest was little, we had no where we really NEEDED to be. I had people comment all the time how sweet it was that I let my daughter, not even two years old, push the cart at half past crawl speed through the store. But back then we had all morning to get done the one or maybe two errands we had to do. 

These days there is preschool to attend and swim lessons and on her days "off" she gets upset if we don't get to go to story time or a playdate. Yet the simple act of putting shoes on would make me think she doesn't want to ever leave the house at all. I've even tested it. I thought maybe she says she wants to go but she would really rather just relax at home. So I didn't push it. I asked her to put her shoes on so we could go and after about ten minutes I walked away from the door and her empty shoes and went about my day. About two hours later she asked when we were going to story time and I told her we had stayed home instead. Whoa! Meltdown city. 

I have tried to cut back on things we do, especially it we don't have to do them. I've even tested out the grocery pick-up to allow one less thing on the schedule. Somehow things still seem to be moving too fast. 

My preschooler told me today, "I like it when you go to work. I like hanging out with Daddy. He doesn't rush me." I can't blame her. Even with trying to make it a game, I bet I can get my shoes on before you can or first one to get their shoes on gets to give the dog an extra treat; it is still a push to get done fast. 

I only work a few hours in the evening for the most part which means during "Daddy's time" they don't leave the house. It is dinner and playtime. That's it. And while we get some special mom daughter play time while the baby naps it is after a morning of me rushing her around to get her to school or wherever on time.

After her comment today I had to ask myself, "why AM I rushing?" I mean honestly, why can't I slow down? Yeah she may be bummed if we miss story time but we would both get time to unwind. And it sounds like I'm not the only one needing that time to just hang out together. 

This comes at the perfect time. School is out tomorrow. Other than groceries we have nothing to do Wednesday either. And just making this plan in my mind already has me feeling better.

I'm grateful to recognize my triggers. I'm grateful to do my best to keep it fun and playful for my daughter amidst the dawdling. I'm grateful to mostly get us places on time. I'm grateful for a week to relax and slow down. I'm grateful to hear her communicate that same need. I'm grateful she has such a good time to wind down with her daddy. I'm grateful for my beautiful life.

What are your triggers? Where does your life need to slow down?

May your day have enough time for enjoyment. May you slow down where needed and enjoy the ride. Have a beautiful day!

This weekend was a weekend full of dreams. No, I did not get caught up on sleep...in fact I got very little sleep. This weekend was about dreaming about the future and about seeing a couple dreams come to fruition. 

Saturday my husband and I, with baby in tow, drove a couple hours from home to go to an Overland Expo. While they didn't have quite as many tiny, rugged campers as I hoped they did have some impressive ones. They also had tons of really cool rooftop tent setups and other gear to make overlanding that much more awesome. 

Walking through the expo my husband and I were both floating on possibilities. What would work for us now, what would work in the future, and just what was cool even though it didn't meet either of those criteria. It was awesome! And it was awesome to be surrounded by people with similar dreams and hear their stories.

We took a detour on the way home to look at some campers. They didn't have the one we've been dreaming about but they had some pretty cool setups. It was fun to create stories like "oh yeah this one would be great when the girls are older and each bring a friend for the adventure." It got us talking about which features were nice and which ones we actually wanted. That led us down the dream highway on where we want to go and what our overlanding gear would need to accommodate the off the beaten road adventures. 

We made it back in town last night in time to get our older daughter from her grandparents. Then today before and after family lunch it was like moving day. My dad brought the built in bookshelves we had been working on at his shop to start the installation on either side of the fireplace. This has been a dream I drew up over three years ago but it kept getting put off with other projects. It will still take a couple more days to work on installing them but to see them in place with temporary anchors is so exciting!

We also got a deep freezer and my brother helped us move it downstairs to the basement. I look forward to filling it with bulk meats from the farm as well as homemade, pre-made casseroles and dishes to help the week go more smoothly. Right now my husband is taxed with cooking in the evening while watching both girls while I'm at work, after already working a long day himself. It will be so nice to relieve some of that burden while getting to cook for my family!

I'm so grateful to see my dreams of the bookshelves coming to fruition. I'm grateful to have gotten to help paint them and to know my husband and dad got to bond over building them. I'm grateful to see how much more storage space it will give us. I'm grateful to have a freezer to help us prepare and make evenings a little easier. I'm so grateful for our quick get-away. I'm grateful for an overland expo to bring all kinds of fun gear to one place for us to see. I'm grateful the baby did so great on the trip. I'm grateful for the commitment to get outdoors and raise our girls to explore. I'm grateful to share the same dreams and values as my husband. I'm grateful for a long car ride full of dreaming together. 

What are your dreams? What do you love to do? What dreams are you currently working to bring to fruition?

May today give us the energy to actively pursue our dreams. May we dream as big as our hearts allow. Have a beautiful day!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, or Happy Hearts Day as my daughter calls it. It is a day of love and giving. Rather than go on about what I will be doing for the holiday; I'd rather give a "gift" to you. 

I would like to give you a gratitude challenge. When you wake up tomorrow morning, before you get out of bed, pause and ask yourself this question. Who am I grateful for? It could be someone there with you or perhaps someone from your past. Who made a big impact on your life? Maybe there are several people. If they're around, tell them your grateful for them. It is the best gift you can give.

Then as you start out your morning, take a glance in the mirror. What is one thing you are grateful for about yourself? There is only one you and that means the world would be missing something without you here. What are some of the beautiful things that make you special?

Perhaps as you are showering or preparing breakfast you might pause and notice all these little things that get taken for granted each day. What tool or appliance (or vehicle) makes your day go so much smoother? 

I challenge you to continue to ask yourself these kinds of questions throughout the entire day. What makes your heart happy? What are you grateful for? 

I'm grateful for a place to share my gratitude with you. I'm grateful for each of you who read this blog. I'm grateful for the ways you make this a better place. I'm grateful for my husband who is my rock. I'm grateful for my parents and family that support me in all that I do. I'm grateful for my daughters who help me grow and learn each day. I'm grateful for a day of sharing love. I'm grateful for a day to make my heart happy with gratitude. I'm grateful to offer you this gift.

May today fill our hearts not only with happiness but with gratitude and love. May we share the love we have with ourselves and those around us. Have a beautiful day!