Asking for help can be a struggle for me sometimes. So what if I change it up; ask in a different way? Falling back on the minimal knowledge I have in other languages may be the ticket to breaking whatever stigma or negative energy I hold towards asking for help. 

Is this real? Yes and no. I use the technique when I am getting frustrated with my preschooler and needing to tell her something for the hundredth time in ten minutes. Zapatos, por favor. (Shoes, please.) Sietete. (Sit down.) It just kind of mixes it up for both of us rather than hear me say it in english once again. And there is something truly helpful about triggering this other portion of my brain. 

It has even encouraged me to seek out how to say common words and phrases in more languages so I can continue to trigger my higher brain rather than give in to negative energy. So perhaps this same tactic can be used when I am feeling overwhelmed and needing help. Perhaps I can erase the word I struggle with and reconnect to my higher brain function to find another way to ask. Ayudame, por favor.

I'm grateful for random ideas. I'm grateful when they work. I'm grateful to "use my words" as I try to teach my daughter. I'm grateful to ask for help in english tonight and then sit in the tangled process trying to sort its roots. I'm grateful to give myself another option for the days that may be too much to ask myself. I'm grateful for my daughter who helps me grow both in her playful moments and the challenging ones. I'm grateful for basic knowledge of spanish and to be learning some other language phrases too. I'm grateful my child does not know other languages well enough yet to correct my pronunciation. I'm grateful for a supportive, ready to help husband. 

How do you give yourself permission to do something that may be a struggle? Do you ever use other tactics to get around the challenge in the moment?

May today give us grace in navigating hurdles. May we find ways to grow even during challenges. Have a beautiful day!

In general I am a pretty playful, imaginative, and creative person. Yet when life gets stressful I tend to forget these traits and focus on the "need to do". The imbalance comes when I get stuck in that mode so long that it becomes my norm and I feel like just another cranky adult. 

Today started that way due to another night of lack of sleep and just a general loss of humor on my part. My crankiness rubbed off on my preschooler as she is such a sponge for others' energy. Luckily, with a little awareness and her help we were able to turn it around with some imagination.

We pretended we were butterflies. We pretended we were blowing dandelion puffs (that are no where to be found today much to my husband's joy and my daughter's disappointment). The dandelion puffs we imagined could go through walls and travel farther than ever on just a single big blow from our powerful lungs. And then what fun day would be complete without a little bit of making funny snorting noises and pretending we were magical pigs that could do silly things. 

Imagination is so healing. It brings laughter, creative solutions, and just eases the mind. It smooths out the bumps that life tosses us and gives me a great way to connect to my kids as well as my child-self.

I'm grateful for fun games. I'm grateful to have a preschooler that can remind me how to use my imagination. I'm grateful to be a pretty imaginative and creative person anyway. I'm grateful my daughter enjoys my silly antics. I'm grateful to stop and play and let go of what is bothering me at least for the time. I'm grateful to hear my daughters' laughter. I'm grateful to laugh and feel that healing energy.

What makes you laugh? How do you use your imagination? How do you use creativity to picture your goals or get you over bumps in life?

May today remind us to laugh. May we just be silly and play today. May we release our stress and feel the freedom imagination can bring. Have a beautiful day!

Tomorrow my baby turns 11 months. I cannot believe how fast time has gone, even with the shelter-in-place. Friday it dawned on me that I needed to get on planning not only a birthday party (small family only gathering since we are still seeing what covid-19 will do now with the city back open). I realized I still needed to book a photographer for her one year, her sister's four year, and a family photo. 

Normally party planning would be all kinds of excitement. Instead, for some reason, I find myself stumped on what to suggest to those asking for present ideas. I am lost for a theme because my original plan had been a zoo theme and having a party at the zoo. Even the smash cake has me in a pickle as my daughter still can't handle dairy. ...I am thinking maybe a fruit pie instead, but I am having trouble committing to anything for sure.

We found a great photographer that we had used before but as it turns out we have no outfits to remotely match each other. So I spent the better part of the weekend searching out what we should wear and if we could get it in time for our planned photo date. My husband and I still need haircuts too. 

All of this mixes with my lack of sleep and still heightened stress of having just returned to work like a giant spider in ice cream. I have been an anxious, stressed mess. But the craziest part is this is all just a story in my head.

It does not matter if we have the perfect outfits. It is more important that we have fun and maybe get a few smiles out of everyone. The party is about my daughter, not about the theme or food. This is all just ideas in my head because of what I did for my first and what I thought I would do for my second. And the gifts really don't matter because she needs nothing and won't remember what she got years from now anyway. More importantly, there are way bigger problems going on in the world that these things.

It is only a story. Yet it is what my mind has latched onto right now. It isn't about changing the story or rationalizing, chastising myself or pretending it isn't important. The important thing right now is to seek out what is behind the story and behind the emotions. It's the craving for normalcy. It's the fear and stress from every other aspect taking over because this is a "safe" outlet for it. It is the worry that this may be the last first birthday I give one of my own children as my husband and I re-evaluate if we will go for a third after all. 

I'm grateful to know my emotions are telling me more that it seems. I'm grateful to recognize the feeling in my body that is demanding self-care. I'm grateful for a patient family and a husband that helps me refocus. I'm grateful for a little fashionista preschooler that is more that willing to help pick outfits. I'm grateful for an awesome photographer that is flexible. I'm grateful for the resources to get things again. I'm grateful to commit to taking some time tonight and tomorrow to just breathe into it all.

What are your emotions telling you? How is your stress level? Is there any shifts you are wanting to make?

May today remind us we are the author of our story. May we consciously choose how and what we write and we try to make a positive impact on the world. Have a beautiful day!

Well yesterday's return to work definitely had some hiccups. It did not go as smoothly as I had hoped but I muddled through it. Replaying it in my head kept me up most of the night. What could I have done better? How could I have done things more efficiently or effectively or did I just simply need to plan more time?

I can't say I reached a conclusion but I did manage to pass out from exhaustion and get a few hours sleep. Tonight I will try again. Hopefully my communication will be more effective and my rhythm will begin to return. 

I am finding there is a strong need to balance faith and trust with common sense and caution. If I let myself get too focused on the risks, I am paralyzed to move forward. If I let myself rely solely on faith, I put the people I love at risk. Balance is essential!

I'm grateful to have a husband that can help me tip the scale either way to remind me where that balance falls. I'm grateful to have strong faith and strong common sense. I'm grateful for educating myself on the best ways to clean effectively and what steps need taken to reduce risk as much as possible. I'm grateful for the support I receive as I find my best balance. I'm grateful to have a big heart and want to help everyone. I'm grateful to be working on stronger boundaries so I can help those who need it while still keeping my own balance. I'm grateful for flexibility at work as I navigate the hiccups and try again.

How do you regroup after things go awry? Do you have someone you talk to that helps you see the other side of the picture? 

May today remind us that finding a new normal will take time. May we find balance in faith and in common sense. Have a beautiful day!

Did you ever get butterflies in your stomach on the first day of school? Did you feel that anxious flutter before a big game or important interview? When I was younger I took for granted that everyone must feel that way. As I have gotten older I have learned that this isn't the case.

Well today I am writing my blog early because I will return to work this afternoon. And let me tell you, I feel the butterflies as if it were my first day of school. 

I know my job well. I have been a massage therapist for fourteen years now. But this is my first time being a massage therapist during a pandemic with all the new protocols and safety checks. I am confident in the plan my coworker, boss, and I have set up but this will be my first day actually implementing it. 

While I know it will go fine and it will "all work out" and all that, logically, my energy is anxious all the same. It is something I am accustomed to, having known myself all my life. I have resources in place like my favorite massage music and breathing techniques for the drive to help me balance before I actually see my clients. 

I still think it is funny though that I have been talking about butterflies emerging from the chrysalis several times in the last month as I spoke of Spring and of my return to work. Today I get to feel them emerging in my energy.

The other symbol that has been showing up for me a lot this week is the spider. If you know me, you know this is not my favorite symbol to be physically near to me. 

Last night there was one on the car windshield as we drove down the street. The entire ride it was pacing and watching me as I did my best to keep my skin from crawling right off my bones. Then this morning there was another large one right on my daughter's highchair tray. (That one was promptly eliminated because you don't mess with my babies.)

Spiders symbolize feminine power as well as "weaving" our future. It reminds us to use our power (I know how ironic this is that I am afraid of them.) and consciously construct the life we want. It reminds us to recognize both our light and dark aspects to find our strengths. 

Well, my strength is in healing and hopefully in adding some light and gratitude to the world. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to trust the protocols I helped put in place to keep myself and my clients safe. I am going to welcome them into that safe, healing environment and start them back on the path to feeling their best. It is what I do and that is what I will focus on today.

I'm grateful for all the resources out there to help me learn how to clean to a new degree for pandemic conditions. I'm grateful for all the resources out there making sure people have masks, gloves, and sanitizers to return to work safely. I'm grateful for all those on the front lines helping the sick and nursing them back to health. I'm grateful for the bubble I have enjoyed at home. I'm grateful to have a meaningful purpose outside the home. I'm grateful to help people live their best lives. I'm grateful for the butterflies and the spiders that give me some ironic giggles.

What symbols are emerging for you today? What energy are you feeling? 

May today remind us we are not alone (and no farther than ten feet from a spider). May we face our fears and summon courage from the butterflies as we step toward our purpose and path. Have a beautiful day!

Perhaps it is the weather, which has been grey and overcast and drizzly most days of the last couple weeks. Perhaps it is the knowledge that in less than a week I will return to work. Perhaps it is the worry that life will be speeding back up again when I return to the outside world. Or perhaps it is just the hormones shifting again as we near my daughter's first birthday and she is naturally slowing her nursing schedule. No matter the reason, I have been riding some big emotional waves this week.

The ups have been nice but not overly high. The lows have been deep and the tears have flowed. I feel like I am in mourning even though I am not sure all the elements behind it. 

It is a process to navigate through and on the other side I will find balance again. Things are once again changing. Just as I had to readjust for the shelter-in-place, I have to equally readjust to emerging back into the world. It is like a butterfly or perhaps a lotus flower. Now it is time to re-emerge.

I'm grateful for the wonderful people in my life that provide good conversation as I talk it out. I'm grateful for the love and support I receive each day. I'm grateful to know that this time at home was a beautiful blessing and to have cherished the moments of it. I'm grateful to know that I am still so lucky and blessed to get to spend the first half of my day with my girls each day. I'm grateful it is "summer" and we will not be navigating a return to school at the same time as my return to work. I'm grateful for my amazing clients who are so kind and welcoming. I'm grateful to know returning to work will help bring another side of my purpose back into play. I'm grateful to ride these waves, knowing they are part of the process and all is well.

How are you doing today? Is your life shifting or is it remaining as is for the time being? What would you like to bring with you as you emerge?

May today remind us that change is good. May we find gratitude in the process and beauty in the moments. Have a beautiful day!

The soundtrack at my house is like someone trying to learn dj mixing techniques while stuck at Disneyland. There is Moana or Tangled soundtracks, Laurie Berkner, Mr. Stinky Feet, or any number of "Happy and Ya Know It" kids classics all interrupted unevenly by "mom...mom...mama...mom...mom" as well as baby shrieks of joy and frustration. 

While this is like a merit badge of motherhood, it doesn't mean it doesn't grow old. And with the added stress of trying to get set up for my return to work in the next week or two I have to be honest with myself and my kids. "Mommy just can't do that today. It's my turn to pick the tunes." 

Alexa has had her own issues lately. When asked to play happy music she started playing a whining Alanis Morissette. When asked to play Michael Buble she chose the sad ones. When asked to play happy mother's day music she played Miranda Lambert's "Mama's Broken Heart." Today I wasn't going to leave my music choice in the hands of a "smart" speaker. 

I walked over to my cd player, yes, I have one still and I love it! I popped in one of my sonicaid massage music cds that is all subtle tones and music meant to inspire mindfulness and peace. We listened to it all morning and my daughter even commented that she liked one of the songs. 

More importantly, I had something to tune into and I noticed a huge difference. Instead of "I've already told you three times" I found myself breathing into the music and continuing my reminders. My anxiety and stress seemed to lower even though nothing had been taken off my shoulders. I just simply had a better, slower soundtrack to navigate it.

Isn't that how it goes though? I feel like this can be said about so many things. If my self-care is in place, I handle things better. If I have the right focus and a good perspective, the plot twists seem more manageable. And, apparently, with the right "station" playing I can just dance even in the rain.

I'm grateful to speak up for me. I'm grateful to be honest with my kids. I'm grateful to remind myself that it isn't just them that need to take turns with each other, I can ask for a turn too. I'm grateful for my calm music. I'm grateful for my cd player. I'm grateful to slow things down today and move into the flow of the dance. I'm grateful to keep the soundtrack going as long as I need. I'm grateful to recognize my need and to know that by meeting my need I am also helping my whole family to stay in a positive flow.

What helps you calm down? What music is helping you through your current situation? Is it calm or bouncy, happy or crooning? Perhaps even just a little bit loud and yelling depending on where you are and what helps you release. There is no right or wrong, only what's best for each person.

May we speak up and meet our own needs. May we find the station that helps us best move through our current situation with ease. Have a beautiful day!

I have long told myself I have the choice to cry or laugh when things are going "wrong". Depending on the situation I have chosen one or the other, or sometimes both. 

Nothing rips my heart apart like hearing my baby cry. It is a sound that makes my heart feel like it is shattering into a million pieces, even if I feel like there is nothing "really" wrong. 

The last two days my baby has been resisting sleep. I don't know if she is teething or having a regression or just extreme separation anxiety as we have had a few changes to our routine lately. No matter the reason she has been screaming for nearly an hour at nap and bed times. 

It makes me want to cry because I don't know how to "fix" it and help her. It makes me want to scream and curse in frustration. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and go to bed. But most of all it makes me want to hold her and rock her and do anything possible to let her know that I am there for her even if I cannot solve the problem. And so that is what I do; I sit and I hold her. I give my calmest, rhythmic shushing and when I feel like I am going to lose it and move into that frustration phase, I sing.

I don't know why but by singing it allows me to use my voice while using a melody and ingrained words to guide me back into that calm. I will sing the same verse of her bedtime lullaby thirty times in a row if need be. Usually it quiets her as she listens. Eventually she drifts off to sleep and I can go do the reparative self-care I need to "glue" my heart back together. 

I don't know if this is something every mom experiences. I don't know because I mostly don't talk about it. It is a tender place that I reserve for only the closest people to me to see. Mostly because there are times that I have to walk away and scream in a pillow and I am still working on healing the shame I feel in those moments. 

I'm grateful to just sing. I'm grateful to find a way to release my anxiety in a calm and positive way. I'm grateful that at least some of the time it helps. I'm grateful to know that while I am not perfect, I can be there for my baby. I'm grateful to remind myself it is just a stage. I'm grateful for my husband and preschooler that are waiting with open arms when I finally get the baby to sleep. I'm grateful for the way their sweet hugs can help mend my heart. I'm grateful to be vulnerable here in the hopes that if someone else is going through this they can know they are not alone. And I'm grateful to do my best to stay positive. Last, but not least, I'm grateful today is Cinco de Mayo and I get to make tacos for dinner. I realize this has nothing to do with my blog today but I'm grateful all the same because...well...yum!

Would you like to try singing "with" me? Next time something is weighing on your spirit, do you think you can sing? 

If the answer is no, there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we all need a good scream, or cry, or laugh. But I do hope whatever you need you let it out and find the comfort you need. 

May today remind us we always have options in our response. May we honor our vulnerability and listen to our spirit. Have a beautiful day!

As the state and city begin making plans for re-opening there are a lot of questions and uncertainty. Divided beliefs on whether or not it is safe to re-open and to what extent rings out from every outlet. 

Who will re-open and when? Who will attend and with what precautions? I have gotten survey after survey in my email as every place from my girls' swim school to the local children's museum to our bank try to get an idea when people will return for business. Meanwhile, I find myself searching for the same information on when I can safely assist my clients again without much guidance from the organizations that were full of leadership in shutting us down.

The financial hardship caused during this pandemic is having impacts on every level. My daughter's school has decided to close permanently. It was a beautiful school where teachers were like extended family and the loss cuts deep for me, and more so for my preschooler who is already struggling with her world being turned upside down. When she asks where her friends will go and who will be her teacher now I have no answers. 

I sit in this place of discomfort knowing I am at a crossroads. I could change everything going forward or nothing. I have been given an opportunity and yet I have not got the sleep or focus to make clear decisions. It is sitting in the midst of a hurricane and being asked, "Which flooring do you want when you rebuild your home? Will the cabinets be painted?" 

Part of me feels stuck. The other part of me whats to race around and "fix" everything with any plan I can find just to not feel this discomfort and uncertainty. But what if I just sit with this feeling? What happens if I don't stuff it or brush it aside OR cling to it? What if I just feel it? 

When I actually sit and say, "I don't know..." then I feel a small whisper calling,"yet". When I just sit and allow myself to feel the overwhelm and fear...it actually starts to melt away. Not because I have a solution or because I am covering it up but rather because deep down, when I allow myself to hear it, I have a deep trust.

It is a trust in the river continuing to flow even as its course is changing. It is a trust in things moving forward however they are meant to move. It is a trust in myself to make the best choices from what presents itself and trusting that the path will present itself. It is a trust that I am not in this alone but rather am so very supported by so many loving and wonderful people in my life. It is a trust that I am brave enough to make changes that need made even if it makes waves. It is a trust that this storm will pass like every one that has come before. And it is a trust that everything happens for a reason and this will help me make changes and navigate my best course. It is a trust that sitting in discomfort for a little while will ultimately bring me the joy and peace I was seeking. 

I'm grateful to just sit. I'm grateful to allow the feelings to flow. I'm grateful to hear that little voice whispering the most important word, yet. I'm grateful for trust. I'm grateful for all the support and love I'm blessed with each day. I'm grateful for health. I'm grateful for options. I'm grateful to see so many paths laid out in front of me and knowing that it is my choice which way to go. I'm grateful to pause and make the next steps consciously and purposefully.

What are you sitting with today? What whispers do you hear? What do you trust?

May today remind us we have survived one hundred percent of our challenges so far. May we have confidence and trust as we make our next steps. May we find support at each turn. Have a beautiful day!

I took my girls out of the house today for the first time since mid-March when the shelter-in-place went into effect. We have played on the driveway and deck and gone for a couple walks around the neighborhood.

They have not been in the car for five weeks. I wanted to refit their car seats, which both needed adjusted. I thought if I was going to put them in the car in their seats we may as well take a two minute drive down the road to the paved walking trail. 

We are fortunate in our area to have lots of walking trails and the county has kept them open with the restriction of keeping social distancing. I just have not taken advantage of the trails because early on I had seen the parking lots packed when I drove passed to get groceries. 

Last night brought a big rain and the morning was overcast as things still dripped from the storm so it seemed like an ideal morning to hit the trails with fewer people. It was also a great time to test out my older daughter's new rain boots. So off we went on their first adventure outside by car ride in over a month. 

There were a couple cars in the parking lot but I was feeling pretty good about the decision. I let my preschooler out to see a giant worm in a puddle next to the car and set about getting the baby out of her carseat and into the stroller. My daughter is telling me about how she wants to save the worm so it won't get squished by a car when I hear someone say, "here, use this." I turn around to see that the woman who had been across the parking lot by her car is suddenly right next to my daughter handing her a plastic knife. 

First of all my mama heart about jumped out of my chest to realize that someone had snuck up without me hearing and was that close to my daughter. Glad she wasn't a kidnapper and it was a stark reminder for me to be vigilant now that we were away from home. Then the second wave of anxiety hit as I realized this person was not only not social distancing but handing something directly to my daughter. It was not the beautiful, calm easement into being out that I had hoped.

I managed to enjoy the walk, counting worms with my preschooler as we walked and trying to be silly with her but I could feel my anxiety heightened. Watching the rushing stream as it flowed heavily from the storm I could identify that feeling within myself too. Unfortunately later in the day a combination of things did make my emotions "dam" break in a less than productive way. Thankfully I have a great family and got lots of hugs to help me come back around. 

Its strange how things that two months ago I wouldn't have thought twice about can now set me in a tailspin. But if I look for the silver lining I see several. One this situation reminds me how important it is for me to start expressing my needs and speaking up for myself (and my children). Two it shows how much I care for my family but also how my fears need to be kept in check. And three, how very blessed I am to have such loving and understanding people to call home. 

I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for hugs, especially long, snuggly ones. I'm grateful for my husband that can help me put words to my emotions. I'm grateful to get some fresh air today. I'm grateful to have gotten to see my oldest daughter laughing as she counted worms and jumped in puddles. I'm grateful for the effort to keep her view of the world safe and joyful as best I can in honesty. I'm grateful for the rain that made everything so vibrantly green today. I'm grateful for this experience that showed me so much in such a brief moment. 

How are you today? Have you been able to reconnect with nature during this ordeal? 

May today allow emotions to flow in a productive way. May we see our fears but also trust our own judgments to navigate these times. Have a beautiful day!