I cannot tell you how many times in the last week between labor and becoming a new parent that I have thought, "oh yeah, I've totally got this!" Only to a few minutes later feel like, "what the heck am I doing? What do I do now?" It is the confidence rollercoaster. It takes me from feeling like I am completely rocking motherhood to feeling the painful learning curve of being a new mom with little to no clue what I'm doing. 

I mentioned this feeling to my mom and before she could respond I added, "this is what the next twenty one years will be like, isn't it?" She laughed and said, "at least". But the more I think about it; this feeling is not new. It has accompanied me on every job change, new adventure, and sometimes even the simple day to day grind. Right now it is just accentuated because there is another life depending on me and a flood of hormones and lack of sleep at play. And so as I sit here and blog, a peaceful sleeping child in the bassinet to my side, I tell myself once again, "I've got this." At least for this moment, I will allow myself to revel in this confidence.

I'm grateful for all that I am learning from my daughter. I'm grateful for what I learn from my husband as he has a very different perspective as a dad. I'm grateful for all the years of nannying, babysitting, and nurturing that allowed me a solid background in the basics of babies. And I'm grateful to be learning the specific intricacies of my own sweet child now. I'm grateful for the years I waited that allowed me more knowledge, more patience, and more time to grow myself so that I could be the mom I am today. And I'm grateful that the mom I will be tomorrow will be even stronger. I'm grateful for the rollercoaster ride I'm on and I'm so grateful for the moments when I can say, "I've got this!"

Have you been on the confidence rollercoaster? What events trigger your confidence? When do you feel like you've got it all covered?

May today give us all a view of confidence. May we remember that life IS a learning curve and may we enjoy the ride in all its twisted and turns. Have a beautiful day!

My little miracle decided to greet the world a little early. At five pounds thirteen ounces she is the tiniest bundle to ever steal my heart. We are both healthy and happy!

The next days and weeks will be an adjustment and I'm grateful in advance for my readers' patience. We are slowly figuring out a bit of a routine. Mostly that routine is called "Because Lydia Said So". It is one of the most exciting and beautiful chapters of my life so far. 

I'm grateful for all the wonderful support during labor. I'm grateful to have had lots of positive encouragement that allowed me to stick to my birth plan. I'm grateful for the creativity of my husband in using scuba videos of fish as my focal point when static focal points  were not enough. I'm grateful for my amazing parents who stayed with me through the process as well.

I'm so grateful to be able to bring my little miracle to my grandpa's memorial service. I'm grateful for the beautiful circle of life that these events created. And while I had hoped they would meet here in the flesh, I'm grateful that the divine timing could assist in my healing.

I'm grateful for ten little toes and her most perfect nose. I'm grateful for her health and my recovery. I'm grateful for all the beauty and joy she has already brought into my heart and world! And I'm grateful for all the laughs as she shows more and more of her personality each day!

What beauty has brightened your life lately? How can you trust the divine timing?

May today bless us all with seeing the beauty in the moment. May we express gratitude for all the blessings in our life. And may we have time for a short nap... hahaha! Have a beautiful day!

Monarchs have been showing up for me a lot lately. Their migration route will not really bring them through the area in person for another couple weeks and yet the symbolism has already begun for me.

It started at Hospice last week. I noticed in the entry there was one picture in particular of a Monarch butterfly that was beautiful. Every time I walked by it just grabbed my attention. At the time it made me think of my grandma, who loved butterflies.

Over the last week I have seen several other photos pop up in different spots of these beautiful butterflies. And last night as I sat down to relax there was a documentary on Netflix about the migration patterns and tagging of Monarch butterflies. 

The documentary was wonderful. I did not realize that these seemingly fragile beauties have one of the longest migration routes in the world. It talked about the man who started the tracking project on them and how it was a lifelong journey before he discovered their southernmost stop. 

At one point the documentary made note that some cultures believe the Monarch is the spirit of those who have passed. It showed how their migration takes them right through Mexico during Dia De Los Muertos (Day of the Dead, where families honor the souls of loved ones that have passed). What a beautiful symbol!

It turns out that billions of Monarchs congregate in the Sierra Madre Oriental mountains in Mexico, huddled together in masses that cover the trees. They stay there through the winter and then begin their journey north in the Spring once again. I was captivated watching them all as they began to move from the trees.

It occurred to me that if Monarchs are the spirit of loved ones passed, then this World Heritage Site in Mexico must be heaven. Turns out, heaven isn't so far away after all. And that is a comforting thought for sure.

But Monarchs are rich in symbolism besides spiritual. They are graceful and yet determined. They pursue this long journey head on each year joining together in one big family. And even before they are these beautiful butterflies, the ability to transform themselves in such a magnificent way is impressive. They literally shed the skin of their caterpillar selves, hardening and allowing their bodies to completely shape shift, and then are born again with wings to soar. 

I'm grateful for this message of the Monarchs. I'm grateful to get to see these beautiful butterflies as they travel through Kansas in September. I'm grateful for the picture in the hall at Hospice. And I'm grateful for the documentary that taught me so much more about them. I'm grateful for the beautiful symbolism they hold and the whole new level of respect I have for these delicate but determined creatures.

Have you ever stopped to watch a butterfly flutter by? Is there a particular insect or animal that speaks to you? 

May today reignite our awe for nature. May we find a new respect for the processes that are going on around us. Have a beautiful day!

My grandpa made is final great escape on Sunday. He had been in hospice for a week and over that week I began telling him an elaborate story.

We were going to make a grand escape. When the coast was clear and the time was right he could take my hand and we would run down the hall. We would escape passed the nurses and run outside where my grandma was waiting with the van. He would jump in and they would peel out of the parking lot, hot rod style like he drove as teen, tires squealing. They would make their escape down to the farm and, of course, live out their happily ever after as they planned. 

When the moment came I was there. I was able to take his hand. And I know in my heart that my grandma's spirit was in fact waiting for him. He made his great escape. They will get their happily ever after. 

It has been a difficult few weeks. I am not even sure I can express in words how deeply I will miss him. We spent quite a bit of time together over the last few years between weekly dinners and my random drop ins to hear stories or learn about natural fixes to something me or a friend had going on. I resonated strongly with his will to find natural and food based solutions and avoid drugs. He was my grandfather, my friend, and my mentor.

One night when I stopped by his house he told me about a conversation my grandma and him had shortly before she passed. She had admitted to him that she did not feel as beautiful as she once had and that in all honestly it had begun many years before when she was pregnant and her body had first begun to change. He said he was shocked because to him she was still the most gorgeous woman in the world. And he admitted how much it broke his heart to realize he hadn't told her just how beautiful she was often enough so she knew it.

Grandpa looked me straight in the eyes and took my hands. He said that, in case Mark forgets to tell me enough, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him. And that this pregnancy, this belly and all the changes my body are going through, make me MORE beautiful not less. He asked me to please always remember that, that I am beautiful just like my grandma. 

My grandfather was a beautiful man. He was feisty and funny. He had a huge heart. He was a good man. And I will always remember his stories and the way he loved my grandma. 

I'm sad that he will not get to hold my child when she is born. He had lovingly referred to her as his little birthday present. He was even the one to do our gender reveal for us. But his great granddaughter will know him. She will know him through the stories and the pictures. She will know him through the love and messages he has passed down to me.

I'm so grateful to have had so many special moments with him over the last couple years. I'm grateful for our dance at my wedding. I'm grateful for our one on one talks. I'm grateful for Tuesday night dinners. I'm grateful for all the laughs we shared and all the advice he gave. I'm grateful to have legally changed my name to AmandaRey last year, and while I did it for many reasons, I'm grateful to carry his name (Ray) with me each day. I'm grateful to have been there to hold his hand and witness his great escape. And I'm grateful to know in my heart that he is with my grandma once again.

Who means the world to you? Who has made a lasting impact? Have you told them just how much they mean to you?

May we honor our loved ones today. May we take the time to reach out and tell the ones that are still here how much they mean to us. And may we find comfort in the knowledge of our hearts.

The last months and weeks have been a strong lesson in patience and trust. There is so much out of my control right now and while this is probably always the case, it has been very blatant recently. Time is not mine to control. I cannot choose when the circles of life take place, when this child will enter, or even when someone else will complete a task. My only choices are to stress about these things I cannot control or have trust that the timing is divinely planned. But I can ask for signs as I wait, and today I got a beautiful one.

This morning I reached out to my grandma, who passed several years ago. I talk to her often when I am seeking reassurance and she is usually quick to show me a sign. Today I asked for help trusting, for comfort as I stared out the window into my backyard forest. Immediately a low branch began to sway and wave at me and though I assumed it was a squirrel moving through I continued to watch. A moment later a bird hopped up onto a slightly higher branch, there she was, my grandma the cardinal. 

As I sat and watched another cardinal swooped from a hidden spot and landed on the deck rail, staring in my window and looking me in the eye. We sat that way for a full minute and when our gaze broke the first cardinal came forward along with two young cardinals. It was beautiful! And the love of my grandma's message eased any bit of impatience or fear. My heart is at peace again. It is all divinely timed and I am back in the flow.

I'm so grateful for the beauty of this powerful morning! Words cannot accurately describe what is in my heart right now. I'm so grateful for my connection to my grandma's spirit and the symbolism of the cardinal. I'm so grateful to see how connected everything is and how easily I can trust and return to that flow. I'm grateful for divine timing and to surrender to it today. I'm grateful for this beautiful world. 

How do you rebalance? What helps you to trust in the timing of things out of your control?

May today re-energize us. May we trust in the divine timing. And may we feel loved and comforted in the messages we receive. Have a beautiful day!!!

There are a dozen reasons I could list as to what was behind my tears this morning. There is a lot going on right now combined with a lot of hormones and a lot of shifting energy. In truth it was probably a bit of all of these things combined. 

I believe that it is okay to cry. I believe that it is a good release if that is what you need. And I believe that you don't necessarily need to define or explain it because it is valid in its own right. This belief can be very difficult for those witnessing the tears. Many people, myself included, want to help or assist someone who is crying to feel better. The trick is to find a balance of allowing and validating what that person truly needs while setting aside our personal need to fix it. 

This morning as tears combined with the warm rain of the shower I just allowed it. I put some words to it for my husband to help him understand but my focus was myself and accepting and validating my own feelings. When I finally made my way downstairs after my husband had reluctantly left for work I found this little note waiting on my computer. It is a simple message and yet the gesture alone means so much. It is a message of love, yes, but also of support and honoring me. 

I'm so grateful for the process that played out this morning. I'm grateful to allow what I needed and to validate myself. I'm grateful for the journey I have gone through that changed me from someone who cry shamed to someone that can allow and embrace my emotions. I'm grateful for my husband as he tries to understand and honor my process. I'm so grateful for this small note that means so much. I'm grateful to be so blessed and loved.

When was the last time you received a little note like this? When was the last time you left a little note for a loved one or even yourself? 

May today offer support in a variety of ways. May we find validation in ourselves and honor our feelings. May we notice the little "notes" of love from nature today. Have a beautiful day!

Some smells just bring the comfort of home, the comfort of routine. Our noses can bring back memories long forgotten just by a smell. For me, coffee is one of those smells. 

I do not drink coffee. I don't like the taste and even a sip tends to give me a headache. Perhaps I am just not used to that level of caffeine. My husband drinks coffee on occasion and today was one of those special days. Yet the smell of coffee instantly takes me back to my childhood. The smell each morning of coffee brewing and rushing downstairs to wave out the kitchen window to my dad as he pulled out of the driveway on his way to work. Good memories all captured in a scent.

This scent is comforting to me. Especially on a day like today when I feel tired despite a good night's sleep and something just feels off. This scent brings a feeling of normalcy even though it is not my normal these days. And with this scent everything feels just a bit more okay.

I'm grateful for my nose and the power it has to trigger memories. I'm grateful for the scent of coffee being such a comfort, especially this morning. I'm grateful for a husband that drinks coffee so that I can enjoy the smell without it going to waste. I'm grateful for the other subtle smells my nose can detect that remind me of home or take me back to my childhood home. And I'm grateful to have time this morning to just stop and take in these scents.

What is one of your favorite smells? What memories does it hold? What scents trigger specific memories for you?

May today be a day of deep breaths and taking in the moment. May we find comfort in the scents around us. Have a beautiful day!

I am so grateful for my family and friends today. I would like to take this moment to celebrate them and acknowledge a few specifically that have great things going on today.

To all my family members and family friends that have been there these past weeks and over the years for my Grandpa, thank you! I'm so grateful for each kind gesture and time spent making him know how loved he is and how much he will be missed. And thank you for all the love and support you give to each other and to me as well! 

To my talented, smart, and amazingly strong lifelong friend, Keri, congratulations on all your hard work paying off. I'm so excited for you on the new job. It is well deserved and they will be so lucky to have you!

To my beautiful soul sister, Annika, thank you for your courage to go after your dreams while inspiring and assisting everyone around you. Congratulations on all the big, exciting changes coming up for you! I cannot wait to see where this new path leads.

To my "niece", Jillian, I can't believe how fast the years have gone since I used to carry you in the front of my overalls bib. Happy birthday! I'm so proud of the young woman you are becoming!

To all of you with birthdays today, may it be a sweet celebration. Happy birthday!

To all of you going through a transition or celebrating a new beginning, blessings to you! May the path take you exactly where you need to go and fill your spirit with joy.

I'm so grateful to celebrate all the amazing things going on in the lives of those around me. I'm grateful to have my own changes to celebrate as well. I'm grateful for the amazing people in my life and my community. I'm grateful for the light each brings as they move forward on their journey. And I'm so grateful to you, who read this blog, and allow me to share my heart with you. Today will be a day of celebration and I am so grateful!

What can you celebrate today? Who can you celebrate?

May today bless us all with a sense of community and pride in each others' successes. May we find ways to celebrate and spread love today. Have a beautiful day!