Well, some days winning is just in getting back up. I am not perfect. I am not a perfect mom that does everything right. In fact, I make a lot of mistakes. Hopefully at least my honesty and ability to humbly apologize will help narrow the gap. 

I love the song ,"Strong Enough to Bend" by Tanya Tucker. I try to remember that phrase as I navigate life. It isn't just in parenting or marriage. It isn't just in our words but also our actions. We have to find a flexibility. Yesterday I was able to tuck and roll with it. Today, I cracked. 

It was the perfect storm of lack of sleep, one child in meltdown and another one demanding everything she needed in that instant. It piggybacked just after a thirty minute battle of one child screaming the ultimate tantrum while the other was antagonizing to get some attention. And in between I let my mind wander to a negative place of comparison and missing something that is long gone even as I found a way to guilt and blame myself for something that is actually just natural. CRACK! 

The branch of a tree cannot hold the nests of all the birds. It holds one nest. It offers other branches for other nests but even then there is a limit. 

I am one person. I cannot hold it all. But I do not have to if I remember to ask for help and treat myself the way I treat my friends, with love and care, compassion and forgiveness. 

I'm grateful to have such great kids. I'm grateful to have gotten my dream come true in being a mom. I'm grateful to be reminded I am a good mom and nobody is perfect. I'm grateful to always be open with my girls when I make a mistake. I'm grateful to know respect and good listening is a two way street. I'm grateful for my husband who always has my back. I'm grateful to have a goal in mind but to work on letting go of how that looks in the details. I'm grateful to have music to help me calm down and bring positive thoughts back. I'm grateful to see how hard I am on myself and where I can give myself more grace.

What are some areas that you are good at "bending"? What do you do when you feel yourself starting to crack? 

May we find grace and compassion for ourselves and others. May we model the way we want the world to look, not just respond to the one we have. Have a beautiful day!

There was a plan for today. There was a plan on what we were going to do and where we were going to be. It was going to be a little hectic but very fun. 

Then last night we didn't get much sleep, which happens from time to time in this season of parenthood. I woke up still prepared to carry out the plan. Then it started raining. I thought we could work around it and still do our outing. Then came the meltdowns. 

When my older daughter had her third meltdown before we had even finished breakfast it became clear that it wasn't just the baby and I that hadn't gotten enough sleep. I tuned in and could see my preschooler was needing my attention, not an outing where my attention was divided among several people and situations. 

I am not the best at rolling with it. I am not always the best at handling the disappointment of changing our plans from something fun outside to staying home. But I am good at being aware that I am modeling for my girls. I am good at recognizing my own exhaustion and the strain our plans would put on all of us as they lay at odds with my own and my girls' needs. Time to tuck and roll. Bring those sweet babies in and snuggle up at home for a different kind of good day.

I'm grateful to recognize my need to get some rest. I'm grateful for a few minutes to do a quick meditation. I'm grateful to have had lunch pre-made for an outing. I'm grateful to recognize my weaknesses and strengths and draw on my strengths to choose the best option. I'm grateful to listen to our collective needs. I'm grateful to cancel our outing and get some extra cuddles. I'm grateful to get some extra one on one time with my preschooler. I'm grateful to create a great day by being able to roll with it.

What helps you roll with change? What beauty and reward do you notice when you are in the flow?

May we remember plans are just suggestions and there is always a plan b. May we listen to our needs and allow changes to create something beautiful. Have a beautiful day!

I have had the same two dominant trees off my deck for as long as I have lived here. In those six years I have gazed up at them thousands if not millions of times. Isn't it amazing how something I see so often and spend so much time with can still give me new messages and insights even still.

It was a simple thing. I walked out onto the deck, as my family was sitting down for dinner, to let the dog out. It isn't uncommon for me to just open the door and let her go alone but tonight I was needing a little breather. I needed to step outside to dust off my mood as stress was beginning to creep into not only my mind but my tone of voice.

I looked up as I often do when taking a deep breath. My eyes naturally went to the Sycamore, my favorite kind of tree. I love the symbolism in the bare trunk and the light even in the dark of the thick forest.

Then my eyes wandered to the gnarly old oak tree. It's lower branches sit bare as it stretches higher to get light from the trees crowding in around it. It's rough bark looking like the wrinkles of a woman who has seen her fair share over the years. Her trunk crooked as she thinks of all the storms she has weathered. 

It made me think of people I have known and how actual years don't make nearly as much difference on appearance as attitude. The beliefs we hold and the responses we have to life make a big difference, in my opinion, in our health and aging. 

I couldn't help but think of my own attitude. Which tree do I want to be? Now, there is nothing wrong with my sweet, sturdy oak tree. But it provided the imagery linked to people I know that are the same age and yet very different. And there is nothing wrong with the people I know that come to mind when I think of this message, either. Everyone is walking their own path and there are a million other factors. This wasn't an insight about judgment; it was a beautiful invitation to bring my attitude and perspective back to something more positive.

I'm grateful for these insights. I'm grateful the same trees I have seen so many times still have so much to teach me. I'm grateful to listen. I'm grateful to release judgment and accept the positive message it offers. I'm grateful to accept the invitation to come back to the positive. I'm grateful to step outside. I'm grateful for all the beautiful trees in my yard.

Which tree do you want to be? What perspective and attitude will you choose? What is one thing you are grateful for today?

May we always bring our mind back to balance. May we love and support each other, knowing we are all on a unique path. May we accept the invitation to live our best life. Have a beautiful day!

 

Parents often talk about the exhausting, never-ending "why" questions of the early years. I understood but mostly didn't really feel the same. I loved when my daughter would ask me lots of questions because I loved seeing how her mind worked to spin all the information together.

There were days where it got a little old but mostly it was a fun learning opportunity for both of us. But as she has gotten older the questions have changed. She asks hard questions like, "why were you married before Daddy?" and "What if you die?" These questions are fine as she learns more about her world and tries to create an understanding that makes her feel safe, but they are definitely more challenging to answer. 

Then there is the steady stream lately of the unanswerable questions. Why is sister bear wearing a green dress in this book? Because the illustrator wanted her to wear green. But why? Why does the illustrator like green and not pink? I don't know. But why? If the illustrator likes green then why isn't brother bear wearing green? Because she wanted them to be unique. But Mommy it is a drawing so why do they need to be unique? 

Why is this toe shorter than the other one? Because that is how God made me. But why did He choose that toe to be the shorter one? I don't know. Mommy why is this hair on the floor? It must have fallen out. Why? Maybe it got pulled out when I was brushing or maybe it was just time for that one to shed. Well which is it? Was it from brushing or shedding? Um, brushing. But how do you know? I don't. Why don't you know?

If you are not laughing yet, either you don't hang out with kids enough or you are still stuck in this phase with your own child and possibly suffering from the unique form of ptsd that can only be bestowed by this age group of child. Go ahead and laugh, this season will pass. 

What I am finding is that I am perfectly okay with answering "I don't know". In my younger days I wanted to have an answer to provide. I wanted to be smart, or rather for whoever was asking a question to know that I was smart. But as the old says go there is a difference between smart and wise. 

My daughter, however, is not okay with this answer. Everything has to happen for a reason and anything less than a concrete answer is just not enough. Distraction rarely works anymore as she is growing older. Luckily I am blessed with one thing the generations before me did not have. I can simply say, "ask Alexa, maybe she knows." It can be quite amusing listening to her go around and around with the bot-lady. And Alexa never tires of saying "I'm sorry I could not find the answer..." Every now and then we even stumble upon something we learn from Alexa.

I'm grateful to have a automated backup when my own patience is running thin. I'm grateful for most (being honest) my daughter's insightful questions. I'm grateful to be okay with not knowing. I'm grateful to answer what I can. I'm grateful to do my best to laugh it off and remind myself this too shall pass. I'm grateful for the days of easier questions as I know they will only get progressively harder as she ages. I'm grateful for humor and for breaks. I'm grateful for life's turns that brought me to this place.

What questions are you okay leaving unanswered? What questions do you seek answers? Are the questions ones you can look up externally or perhaps a knowledge you already hold within?

May we remember to see the humor in life. May we answer the questions we can, admit we don't know when we can't, and laugh at the process. Have a great day!

The title of this blog may make you think I spent some time outdoors this weekend. Nope, not really. I guess there was a tiny window of time spent outside playing bubbles with my girls on Saturday but that was it. It was hot and we stayed inside mostly.

Instead, this is about stepping outside myself. Maybe a better way to say it is stepping outside my head, my overanalyzing, self-subscribing meaning, monkey-mind of a head. Now, I don't say this in judgment. There have been times this has served me but lately it has not been serving my best interests.

I have been seeking rebalance. I have made a commitment to my self-care again. (I know, I know it cycles through.) And, unsurprisingly, I have found a calmer, kinder version of me. I have rediscovered the me that can find solutions easily and can recognize when the gears are spinning to fast in my brain and simply step outside of that extra noise. 

My preschooler provided a few opportunities to test my zen and we were both pleased at my responses (rather than reactions). The baby gave a few good attempts herself, not of her choosing, and I was able to determine the issue much faster from my peaceful state. 

It wasn't a perfect illustration but it was a beautiful step in the right direction. It was so good to feel that grounded base again that self-care provides. With a practice of accountability this can be my daily reality.

I'm grateful to be taking steps to get my self-care needs met. I'm grateful to see a difference already. I'm grateful to find an unused gratitude notebook in my office to use. I'm grateful to have some extra time to connect with my kids this weekend. I'm grateful for their giggles and my own joy as we play. I'm grateful to see how we all benefit from me taking care of myself. I'm grateful to understand I am still human but extra grateful to see the beauty of how much better I parent when I can step outside my mind. 

What gives you that zen feeling? How do you step outside? Do you find stepping outside your mind to make you more present or perhaps more able to problem solve?

May we remember to step outside and "listen" to the quiet. May we take the time to take care of ourselves. Have a beautiful day!

Last night's insights were great but those "aha" moments only go so far if I don't take action. So I asked myself what steps I need to take first and foremost to get myself back on track, back in a parasympathetic state. 

I got a little more sleep last night, though that will still need some catching up for a while. When I woke this morning, fifteen minutes before my husband's alarm, rather than lay there restlessly I got up. I went into the hall with my headphones and listened to a meditation. When my mind is monkeying around, it helps to have someone else's voice to follow to get me back into the rhythm. 

After that I did some minimal yoga stretches as I could hear everyone beginning to get up and around. Then I told my preschooler the exciting news; we were going on a hike. We packed out camelbaks with lunch, water, and the usual necessities like a magnifying glass. Once the baby was up from her morning nap we headed out. We just did a half mile loop trail and I took the wagon instead of the baby carrier but it went well.

We had fun exploring along the trail and enjoyed our picnic lunch. It was a great time and for the first time in a long time I wasn't checking my watch to make sure we were on schedule. I just enjoyed being out. Even with the intense heat of the day, we still had a great time!

I'm so grateful to get out in nature. I'm grateful my girls love being outside. I'm grateful to have so many trails near us. I'm grateful to suggest to my husband we make more time to hike and be out in nature as a family, and have him agree. I'm grateful for the insights of yesterday and even more grateful to put them into practice today. I'm grateful to take steps to make myself accountable so I can work to make this into a habit and routine. 

What helps you stay accountable? What helps renew your spirit and calm your mind?

May today spur us into actions that get us a step closer to our goals. May we walk the path in joy and seek gratitude along the way. Have a beautiful day!

In talking to a client tonight it dawned on me why I have been feeling so much anger lately. At first I was quick to blame it on hormones. Then I thought it was a process of healing another layer of past trauma that had been brought to the surface. Tonight's conversation provided a much needed "aha" moment. Something I have been having a lot of lately.

This year has been a year of stress, upheaval, change, and as a result lots of anxiety attacks. I am normally one to mostly avoid confrontation. Yet for the last week or two I have just been feeling like a fight. In some ways it has allowed me to stand up for myself like I would not have in the past, though I have been mindful to keep it respectful. But inside I feel like I am boiling over sometimes which is a mostly new feeling for me. 

Well guess what brain level I have been in for the last four and a half months. That's right, stress and anxiety have put me in flight mode. Well apparently I've reached my limit on flight and my body is moving toward fight mode to give me some relieve, some sense of power no matter how false. 

Does it have to be this way? Are our options only fight or flight right now? Of course not. We always have a choice to find another way, find a way to pull ourselves out of the sympathetic state and back to a parasympathetic state. 

Exercise is my main outlet for bringing myself back down from anxiety. Bet you can guess what has been, once again, lacking from my routine. Yes, even after just a few weeks ago I committed to put it back in, I fell short. 

I have been meditating and doing yoga but both have been amid multiple interruptions lately which definitely makes them less effective. Part of this is just the stage of life I am at with two small kids but part of it is needing to commit to finding a better time to attempt these practices.

I'm grateful to receive another aha moment. I'm grateful to see where my words and "commitments" are falling short and not followed through. I'm grateful to see the effect it is having on my body and see I need to make a change. I'm also grateful to see this other side of myself for what it is and allow myself to feel the anger rather than stuffing it away. I'm grateful to recognize it and be mindful that I am still choosing to my interactions and not releasing these emotions on others. I'm grateful to apologize and be humble to those who have been witness to this. I'm grateful to find a plan and start moving forward. I'm grateful to rely on my training as I look for ways to build habits instead of make commitments.

Which state are you currently living in (sympathetic or parasympathetic)? What habits help keep you in balance and what habits can you shift to make this even better? 

May we take steps each day to improve our mental health. May we find grace in the aha moments and use them to move forward. Have a beautiful day!

Like most people I am "over" being home. I go to work and come right home. I pick up ordered groceries from my car without the luxury of getting to choose my own items and then I return home.

I enjoy being home. I enjoy spending the quality time with my girls. But we could all use a change of scenery more than just the section of sidewalk we walk and our home. We miss swimming lessons and going to the pool. We miss playdates with all our friends. We miss going to the zoo and playgrounds. 

Part of me wants to just say "let's just go!" I want to get back to living. The other part of me knows that there have to be precautions and steps taken to ensure the safety of us as well as the grandparents. It can't be a decision made from mental exhaustion and isolation. It has to be made strategically and with one step at a time.

Once again I am reminded of a study I read years ago where people were asked to plan trips. Just planning the trip increased their happiness level. So that is a great place to start. I will start planning outings and see which ones I feel most excited about. That will help me know which one would be best to research further and make a real plan to try. Even so, I recognize it may be a couple more months before some of these things are options for my family. But at least we can plan and dream!

I'm grateful to start planning. I'm grateful for the excitement of the idea of getting out and doing something normal. I'm grateful we have been able to spend time with grandparents as we stay home and remain relatively low risk. I'm grateful for all the time I have gotten with my girls to focus on them and just play. I'm grateful to see how nice it is to not have errands to cram into each week. I'm grateful to start exploring options to balance while still keeping safety as a priority. I'm grateful for the wide range of beliefs my friends hold that allow me to get other perspectives. I'm grateful to trust my decisions.

What steps are you taking to balance home, safety, and normalcy? Where would you go if you could go anywhere, covid-free and no price limit?

May we find balance that works for each of us. May we stay safe and still get the mental support and balance we need. Have a beautiful day!

As I watched the rain pour down this morning I found it fascinating how part of the deck remained dry and part had puddles. We have a densely wooded backyard and the areas of the deck under the closest trees are well sheltered. As I gazed outside thinking about the messages that may be waiting in this simple recognition, I saw that it wasn't just the deck.

The trees were also half wet and half dry. The bark dark and damp on one side and light on the other. The sky was dark and heavily clouded overhead as it rained but in the distance I could see blue skies. Everything seemed divided. But then, this reflection of divide has been showing up in a lot of things lately. 

This afternoon I was composing an email trying to decide how best to word that I didn't think it was best to continue services in a populated format at this current time. After I wrote my email draft I read it to my husband as it is a corporate client and he has more experience in the corporate world. His response, "pick a side." He said I had stated my case and reasons for my decision but then in trying to sound diplomatic and open I had given them room to push for me to continue. 

Instantly the tree appeared in my mind. Pick a side. I can't dance in the rain and stay dry at the same time. I can't "do it all" and maintain my balance. But is that always true? We have to pick a lane to share the road with other traffic. We have to pick a direction to get to where we're going. The question is, what will we pick? Which lane? Which side? And what if everything isn't quite so black and white on the path to the final destination?

There is one important thing to remember. We are all on our own personal journey and that requires us to pick different paths sometimes. It doesn't matter which side we choose. We can still respect each other and get along. We can still support each other. We can still work together for common goals. 

We have to pick a lane, pick a path, and take steps to get there. But that doesn't mean we can't shift, turn, change our minds, and try over. And sometimes we may find that we can get a little rain while not getting fully soaked. Other times the line in the sand has to be firm to honor what feels right and what we need.

I'm grateful to sit and witness nature. I'm grateful to see all the lessons and symbolism in everyday events. I'm grateful to witness the duality. I'm grateful to see the messages it gives. I'm grateful to see that there are times we can have both choices. I'm grateful to know that I hold my power when I stand up for what I believe in. I'm grateful to have the right to choose and to carve my own path. I'm grateful for my husband and his insights. I'm grateful to plant my feet and look ahead as I choose my route.

Where are you "going"? What lane will you pick? Are you willing to change lanes if the one you are in isn't working out? Do you respect the path others are taking?

May we remember respect is vital. May we choose our own paths wisely and accept the paths others choose even if they differ. May we find the flexibility to shift what needs shifted and celebrate the moments we "have it all". Have a beautiful day!

For the last couple weeks I have been stuck on the idea that there are no good choices right now. Do I send my daughter to preschool and risk the exposure to covid? If so, do I restrict access to grandparents again? I think family is more important but I know my daughter needs peers also. And it's not just covid, the black lives matter movement has brought to light the overhaul that needs done to basically every aspect of our society but where do we start? And I won't even get started on politics and the options there.

Last night I saw a unique opportunity for schooling for my daughter. As with everything there are pros and cons. As I sit here tonight I am seeing things in a new light. I am not even sure what brought about the change, but it occurs to me how very blessed I am to have such an abundance of options. 

There are people who do not have access to all the options my family does. There are people that are not stuck in a back and forth weighing of pros and cons because whether they like it or not the decision is basically made for them from some socio-economic point. 

I am blessed. I get to overanalyze and monkey mind myself over these issues. I get to choose from several options. I get a say. I get my voice heard. I get a vote. 

I'm grateful to see this beautiful realization tonight of just how blessed I am. I'm grateful for options. I'm grateful to be in such a privileged situation. I'm grateful to see that not everyone has these same options. I'm grateful to see how I can make a difference. I'm grateful to see where I hold power. I'm grateful to know I can help create change. I'm grateful to know I will choose what is right for myself, my family, and the greater good. I'm grateful for these moments of clarity and gratitude.

What are your options? Even if they are not great ones, there is blessings in having a choice. What will you choose? Where can you make a difference? 

May we use our power and our vote to create positive change. May we recognize the blessings we have and see abundance in whatever form it comes. Have a beautiful day! ​