Many people think that I am a natural optimistic or somehow always happy and that is why I can have a solid daily gratitude practice. I assure you that is not the case. My gratitude practice is strengthened by the fact that days, like today, that I feel judgement and negativity toward myself I can focus on gratitude to lessen the impact. I can choose to consciously re-route these thoughts. And it is a choice that has to be made when I'm ready. Today that took about two hours before I said enough, I choose to see the light again.
So what constitutes the other side for this gratitude coach? Temper and frustration. After a long difficult night with my child I find some feelings of guilt that I do not have infinite patience. I acknowledge the feelings of guilt that after a decade of praying for a child that I am not enjoying or seeing the beauty in EVERY single moment. And there are feelings of guilt for feeling some discontent within this blessing when a friend recently was denied her own blessing; knowing the depths of that sting.
Last night was rough. It does not make me a bad mom though the other side may try to test that thought. My frustration and even losing my temper does not make me unlovable or bad. It makes me human. And while we would all love to pretend we live in the ideal, it is not real. This is real life and the ups and downs require dynamic traits to meet and process a dynamic world.
This morning, from the other side, it was hard to find gratitude beyond the basics of family and breath. But as I gave allowance to the other side the light began to peek through... no literally. I sat here listening to music that nurtures my heart when it feels tender and slowly the clouds outside the window parted to let the sun shine through. It is connection I cherish and it is a connection I was given this morning.
I'm grateful for Karl Anthony's "In My Awakening" song on repeat. I'm grateful that the songs that calm me and nourish my heart also calm my daughter. I'm grateful for my mother-in-law getting me this cd. I'm grateful for my husband's kind words this morning as he also reminds me that the dynamics of the other side are part of being human. I'm grateful for the dog kisses I receive in these moments of perceived darkness as they remind me I'm loved. And I'm grateful for the sun's appearance. I'm grateful to have this platform to share my gratitude in an honest and open way and be received with love and understanding. I'm grateful to be human, living this dynamic life.
What does the other side look like for you? Do you know that it is a part of you that can also be loved? How can we let go of our own judgements in these moments?
May today cradle us in connection. May we look at our shadow aspects and see love for the dynamic person we are in this moment. Have a beautiful day!